My Scarlet Letter

if you are not my mom then you can skip down past this first part:
mom-
you may very well be upset after this post, but i cant hold this in anymore, i cant deal with this without processing this through writing, i dont know if this is ok, and im sorry if it isnt...sincerely i am...i just dont know what ok is anymore...i love you and i hope you understand after you read all this why i needed to write about it, thanks for supporting me mom....always


for everyone plus my mom:
i kid you not that as i pulled up my blog screen these lyrics came over pandora and i think they fit...or they will fit after this is done with:
"oh, got no reason
got no shame
got no family i can blame
just dont let me disappear
imma tell you everything

yea this time,
dont need another perfect line
dont care if critics jump in line
im gonna give all my secrets away"
-secrets
one republic


i cant believe im even about to put this out there and i may very well end up deleting this at some point in the near or not so near future when courage and or stupidity isnt so abundant


i should maybe tell you why first though
that explanation would be that im a big advocate of honesty
loathe is not a strong enough word to describe my emotions towards anything short of it
id rather be punched in the gut a million times then lied too...ok maybe not a million...but...you get me
its not just that i hate when people lie to me, its not even that i hate when people lie in general although both of those are certainly true...its also that i despise with every ounce of my being when relevant truth is left out...even when it isnt intentional
and this whole thing going down very much effects every aspect of my life and for me to leave it out of my writing means you dont really get a fair chance to see where im coming from...and i dont know why its important to me that you get that shot, it just is

the other reason for the explanation is that in the last year this page has been looked at 1044 times...which means that someone is reading...i may know you...i may not but someone out there is seeing this which means its not just thoughts disappearing like vapors in the night....someone is hearing me...someone is listening....and so i have the advantage of knowing someone is there but i dont have to face the awkward silence of whoever you are staring back at me because you are so sorry but have no idea what to say...which really helps both of us if you think about it....you dont feel awkard for feeling awkward and i dont feel awkward for making you feel awkward and its just really a win win...


so i should get to this then huh?
with shaky hands and tears streaming and miley cyrus blaring in the earbuds how exactly is it that this blog is the hardest version of this conversation ive had????
and yea, miley is probably the most embarrassing part of that last statement

i dont know how else to do this but actually walk you through how this conversation basically seems to go:

breathe kate

i can hear my heart pounding

its my dad....

breathe again

swallow the frog in my throat...

he isnt here anymore...
like he isnt where i am anymore
like we arent in the same place anymore
as in the same house

he left
...
in october...

for a better job?
nope
better weather?
um no...
bigger house?
nah, not that

well what then...

wait...hold on

he didnt...?
didnt what?
your moms still here?
yea..
oh
yea
so did he? like was it a? like did he have?
what?
well...that word....i dont know...i dont wanna say it.
an affair?
yea.
are you sure?
yea.
oh man...i dont know what to say
me neither
im sorry
me too
but wait...isnt he a pastor?
was. he left that too.
oh...man...wow...i just dont know what to say

the next question is usually how me and my mom are doing
i dont ever know how to answer that because it isnt like there is some handbook for this sort of thing
my mom however has exhibited a strength that if i had some sort of award for i would give to her, seriously
shes grown a ton in the last year
shes put up with some pretty awful moments with me
shes done it beautifully
im proud of her, and no im not saying that just because shell read this
i dont know what the ideal dealing with this looks like but shes given it a solid run...no doubt about that
im not doing too bad either i guess, i dont know
i have great days
i have awful days
i have days where im really angry and cry a lot
i have days where i laugh so hard my stomach hurts
i have days too where life just seems backwards and weird and confusing
you know, cause it is
mostly we feel like we just have to make it at this point...like we just cant stop...and im sure we will, but certainly not without our share of bumps and scrapes

i miss the little things a lot with dad
lunches before id go to work
our constant putting back of empty popsicle boxes into the freezer only to laugh hysterically when the other one found it and experienced severe disappointment
the saturday night discussions of what he should preach on sunday
rounds of golf
his advice
the way he smelled every sunday after church a mix of old spice, methodist robe, and wintergreen gum
how his voice could stop a tear quicker than any kleenex
his never ending list of nicknames for me
how id walk into a room in a prom dress or sweat pants and hed get the same smile and say "hey, theres my girl"
every wink hed give me when he was on stage waiting to preach
how he was never too busy for me
his never ending list of careers he thought id be successful doing...and he really believed it too
our shopping trips
how he pretty much held my world in his hands
and how by every definition i was my daddys girl


does it sound like someone died?
yea i thought so too

but thats what its like
im having to mourn what ive lost
i wont mourn forever
i swear i wont
i know this had to go through God before it got to me so it has to ultimately work for my good but at the moment, this pain is deeper than i even knew i could feel


if you know me and this is the first youve heard of all this, then please dont feel offended....or do...whatever...but dont on my account because how exactly do you have this conversation? no really great way...so i just sort of have had it as little as possible

if you know me and this is the 394297 time youve heard all this then thanks i guess...

i just had to get this out there
i dont have any more room inside of me for hurt, i just dont
i had to put it somewhere
i had to tell someone
somewhere
i just had to
i was desperate

i was desperate because if you love me and support me then i need every bit of love and support you have to give right now and if i expect all that from you then you should know why...i mean i want you to know why
take me or leave me this is the road im on right now...these are the bags im carrying right now...this is me showing you my hand and saying ok...what do you have?
its vulnerable
and scary
and scary
and scary
and courageous maybe
and refreshing
and did i say scary?


im gonna make it
id love to have your prayers and support to help me along the way though
i serve a God bigger than all this
He is carrying me
i do know that
i even feel it
God is still very in this
very in me
He comforts me in new ways daily
but tears still come
times are still hard
moments still hurt
life is still scary a little because it has all this new stuff to go with it
but He has said Grace IS ENOUGH
i believe it
i have to
i want to
i do
He has promised to meet every need...
He has promised to give me everything i need to CONQUER each day
so if i dont have something on a given day, then on that particular day...in the Lords eyes i do not need it
and if He says im ok not needing it today...then ok
ill trust that
because i trust Him
He has big plans for me
His Tomorrow is for me promises to be awesome
but His Today for me has great things in store too....and i dont wanna miss those mourning a loss He has allowed...
God loves me
and you
im gonna let that be enough, because it is.

Beautiful Jesus

oh my goodness.

i mean im a girl so i cry but it takes an act of God to make me cry in church
seriously
like a legit act of God

or i guess if someone kicked me that might do it too, but that hasnt ever happened so im only speculating really

but the service i just walked out of from seacoast i straight balled
im not even going to front

im sorry to inform the rest of every single person that attended services this weekend but im pretty sure that God was all over me in that one....good if you got something from it too...but it was basically Him just talking to me and the rest is just icing on the Jesus cake

ok obviously im kidding
but God was wrecking me and hugging me and loving me and messin me up all at the same dang time

before i go on i should go ahead and let you know that friday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day which has all but been standard for me lately

it ended with me crying on the couch smearing my sudoku puzzle (dont judge, im trying to better myself by working out my brain, dont hate) and in my teary mess i actually said "God can you please please please just be nice to me tomorrow...PLEASE???"

i dont know that i actually expected that to happen
i mean i dont really know how i thought i was going to realize if God was being nice to me or not

He went above and beyond yesterday...and it was great

i got to see and hug a couple of really precious friends at work
work was good because people are pretty cheery since its the holidays
it was cold and rainy (yes i love this sort of weather)
i got to come home and put on my nice comfy favorite sweat pants
i found a pair of really great socks id bought a few weeks ago i forgot about and if you know me then you know that getting to put socks on to match my shirt is sort of a closet nerd thing i like to do
i had some really incredible Jesus/writing/reflection time...it was marvelous


so tonight i went to church and it hadnt been a bad day...but it hadnt been a really great day either

i felt like yesterday was Jesus' christmas present to me and i decided id just be grateful for that and wasnt expecting anything except church as usual

which seems normal but as i type it out and read it on the screen what a silly thing to love the Lord and go into a gathering of His people and not expect that He is going to do something great...seems like were setting the bar sort of low like why would God ever show up at His party?...hmmm

anyway

pause: there is a guy that just sat down next to me at starbucks and a. he is pretty and b. he is apparently intelligent because he goes to wofford...so either that or rich...or both and c. he has on shorts...sir...um...you are clearly wealthy and or smart so why do you have on shorts when it is 39 degrees outside...id give you one of my 3 layers but i dont think you would look good in girls clothes and they wouldnt fit you and id be cold, which you clearly dont care about

unpause

so the message tonight was about finding joy in the midst of chaos and the unknown, and if you know anything about the stuff ive been walking through the last little while then you know that chaos is an understatement for me

i wont try to explain everything that the Lord was pouring onto and answering me with bc i wouldnt do it justice but go listen to the message from the mt pleasant campus that should be posted tomorrow under hidden God at the seacoast website link if you have about 35 free minutes...itll be worth it, i promise


well in the middleish of the message i felt a tear flow right from my cheek and then another...and before i knew it i was sitting there crying pitifully and couldnt do a darn thing to try and stop...and believe me i tried to control it...you have no idea...but to no avail

so i went over and prayed at the cross during the invitation just a prayer of humbled gratitude at the goodness of the Lord and how generous He has been with it to me the last couple of days

so i went back to my seat and was listening to a chris tomlin tune just soaking in the words and their depth

at that moment i felt this hand on my shoulder and looked down to see a red haired girl probably late 20's who looked an incredible amount like amy adams standing there...she started saying hey you dont know me and i promise i never do this but i was crying in the service and looked up and saw you crying too and i cant seem to shake this feeling to come and tell you something but i dont really know what to tell you except i was crying too and i just wanted to tell you that and im...



and i stopped her right there and started crying harder and told her about everything ive held inside for about the last 2 months and in the middle of that she stopped me and then said

oh my goodness i know why i was supposed to be here tonight...because i have been through the same thing and its the hardest thing youll ever go through and then she proceeded to say some things in some ways that were absolutely direct answers to some of the questions ive been wrestling with God over...in the same order in which ive asked them....WHATTTTTT????!!!!


i was SPEECHLESS AND CRYING

what a great combo

so she went back to her seat after a few minutes and then the woman beside me a few seats over came over and started telling me she was praying for me....
and then someone behind me put their hand on my shoulders and just sort of left it there while i wept out of nothing but purely floored gratitude to God

after that the service was over and i was like great, what do i do now...because anything you do after that short of i dont even know what...seems anticlimactic

unless

one of the pastors ive had some involvement with from theWell (college ministry) comes over and talks to me for about 30 minutes and speaks into and about some of the same things i was learning and realizing from my Jesus time last night without even knowing thats the stuff that i was learning

and thats exactly what happened

and then i came to starbucks, bought the charlie brown christmas cd, got a free gift card to sb because of it, and now im here

just sitting processing, dwelling, trying to let it all sink in...

and after all this i am now further floored because God has reminded me for about the BILLIONTH time of the fact that yes life is soooooo hard sometimes....and questions and confusion and trials and all that...they arent fun....

BUT

He STILL loves me and is STILL working for my good and STILL is RIGHT HERE WITH ME COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY...no matter what my dads done or not done...my DAD is STILL in control

He HAS THIS
HE HAS ME
AND YOU
AND US
AND EVERYTHING
GOOD
BAD
HARD
EASY
WONDERFUL
HORRIBLE
WEAK
STRONG
HES GOT IT
HES HAD IT
HE'LL CONTINUE TO HAVE IT
ALL OF IT
HE ISNT LEAVING
HE ISNT MOVING UNLESS HE IS TAKING ME TOO
HES FAITHFUL TO THE END

HALLELUJAH ALMIGHTY
HE IS WITH ME AND YOU AND EVERY PERSON WE CANT STAND AND EVERY PERSON WE CANT SEEM TO SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH AND EVERYBODY WE USED TO KNOW AND WILL KNOW AND WONT EVER KNOW AND KIND OF KNOW...HES GOT US...HE HASNT FORGOTTEN HIS PROMISES, EVEN WHEN WE HAVE

THANK YOU JESUS
AMEN

Two Blogs with One Sto...er...Mac?

ok so i am horrible Horrible HORRIBLE at follow through
this isnt the first time ive mentioned it
im not 1000% motivated right now but im whatever percent motivated enough to make a claim with some sort of action behind it to try and work on this little not so great habit...if not entirely fix it

this blog was never intended to become only deep thoughts
thats what its become though
i have a lot of deep thoughts sure
but not every idea that passes through this brain is of the, even if imagined, spiritual superiority that it at times feels like this blog has become

in some ways i appreciate that its become a place where i have to meditate and really filter and process what im thinking before i write
i am grateful to have this blog and will continue to write on it
in a way its become a counselor sort of for me...this might not make sense to many (any) of you...but its become this place i can put down things and realize intentionally sometimes, not so much others, how they have not just affected my tangible life but the God and me aspect too..and i think thats incredible...and rare...and awesome

i have other stuff i wanna say though and if only for reasons of my imagination, i dont always feel like i can put them here...
so what im doing is...or have already done actually is....to start a tumblr account...a tumblr for those who dont know is a place i can post conversations, photos, audio, video, short thoughts, long thoughts, links...anything....of any length...and any depth and i am linking this account to the tumblr so that posts here can be in the future read there too...

well kate why not just write the new ones on the other thing
a. let me do what i want please :)
b. there is something in my brain that sees the new thing as a casual funny friend..and this as a counselor/confidant...dont ask...i know its weird
c. because 2 blogs are better than 1 right?

oh yea to the follow through and how this helps:
my not so new years resolution (see what i did there? by adding not so to new years resolution i made it look original...clever i know) is to write more often on here...

i heard recently that if you write online but dont write faithfully you cant expect your readers to read faithfully either...i dont know that i have a ton of readers but i hear the solidity of the idea...the principle...and to me faithfully at first meant daily...and thats overwhelming and i know im kidding myself if i promised daily posts

but then i started thinking and realized...hey what if faithfully was just once a week...that seems WAY more doable....so sundays...sundays is gonna be blog faithfully day for me...it may increase over time but im gonna start with baby steps and work from there...so every sunday i will have some deep thoughts for you...whoever you are

and then the casual tumblr guy can just be my little spontaneous whatever friend....welp
crap tomorrow is sunday...no tomorrow is saturday....so 2 days i have

good

ill talk to you kids in 2 days then
good day

oh yea guess you might want the link...HERE it is :)

all sorts of directional awkwardness

i wish the music in starbucks wasn't so loud

although then it would just be silent and everyone could hear each others conversations

what i should probably say instead is, i feel like the volume of music right now isn't conducive to a 23 year old college student with as much add as any person probably has writing a blog

life would be better (easier maybe) if we would just say what we mean right?

we have taken the art of awareness and consideration for other people's feelings, which is in its purest form good, and morphed it into an excuse to lie

i dont mean that harshly, its just something i guess ive observed

i'm not saying we should all go around being cruel and hurtful to people and labeling it as honest either
because i think that happens too

we think if we preface or add as an afterthought to something the phrase "i'm just being honest" that it's ok to say whatever we want and then walk away feeling little or no responsibility for the effects of our words on another human being being

these are 2 extremes that occur in our lives everyday and neither of them are ok

we of course recognize their unacceptability when they occur too us, but we don't usually care if we are the ones that are participants

it blows my mind that, to the best of my figuring ability, i feel like i got preached to until about the 5th or 6th grade about honesty being the best policy and then 7th grade came and honesty got traded for tell the truth as long as it isnt offensive to other people and if you are mad at someone then tell them everything you feel even if you know it isn't really true and then label it honesty...because nobody will attack you if you say youre just being honest or 'real' about how you feel, its a perfect cover


at chick fil a we are encouraged to "gauge a guest" when they come in on their mood to see how much enthusiasm/small talk/connection is appropriate at that moment because we recognize that in certain situations on any given day, at any given moment, what one person should be able to/is capable of handling/engaging in is not the same as any other guest necessarily
real word terms would probably include tact for this particular practice

its important to be conscious of people and what is going on in their lives and realize that there are times when compassion and empathy for their load makes us refrain from any urgency for truth
because truth will still be truth a week from now
and if its really that urgent that we have to let them know how we feel right this second than we should remember that 99% of the times the more rasher the thought the less realistic it is

giving into rash thoughts are satan's easiest and sometimes biggest victories with us, because we sense such urgency we fail to think through what we are doing/feeling/saying....

on the same token however we dont need to allow the sympathy for burdens to become our excuse for not speaking REAL truth to people

Jesus didn't refrain from being honest with people about things but when He was getting peter out of the water because he had taken his eyes off of Him, Jesus saw that what peter needed was not Him saying "you moron, i knew this was going to happen, don't you see how great i am and how puny you are and how you need to have better faith" no, instead He immediately reaches out and grabs peter, then gently speaks what peter already knows...and then goes into the boat with His friend

Jesus sees that what is urgent right now is to help peter by reaching out, and THEN speaking, with love and compassion, what peter needs.

balance is hard
there is no instruction manual on the 12 steps to knowing what someone needs and when they need it because every person is a book themselves

the best way to become better at reading people though, is to know the Author of the books themselves

much like when you hang out with someone for so long you start picking up their habits and tendencies, if you hang out with Jesus, you, bit by bit, become like Him, He develops your heart to be similar to His

"Whoever Abides In Me, I, Too, Will Abide In him"

if we pursue the Lord, He will draw near to us and remain in us, we will become more like Him and less like us

and if we become like Him, and He was perfect at balancing not only this concept but every other one, then eventually, we will be good at it too...not perfect, but better than we are now

and thats the point right?
we know if we are good at this life thing if we are better at the end of the day then the beginning right?
because since there has never been another person like us, we cant judge our success at life by anyone else, so the only way to judge it is to say that we have learned at the end of the day from our successes AND failures and have moved forward accordingly

Praise God

Just Keep Going
you're doing it
Just DONT STOP
Get Movin, kid.

i'll take a sandwich...and some freedom please

well well well, a saturday night post? 
what a rare occurrence 




but when you gotta write you gotta write...right? (see what i did there? yep.)




i should be really honest right now and tell you that patriotic stuff, it isnt really my thing


ya know, i guess in my mind its hard to wrap my mind around all that days like july 4th represent, and im sure if i was a citizen of the new colony and had just come out from under the queens reign 3 or 4 years ago, id feel differently, and im sure that if i had not always had things like independence and all that jazz id be more appreciative, im sure this is really just a taking for granted thing on my part...i have no one to blame but myself really...i dont have a problem with any of it, im just sayin if a school were to have a most patriotic superlative...i wouldnt be anywhere near the running


all that to help you understand the oddity of the fact that today i was talking about freedom




little ms loves her country but not real patriotic was thinking about freedom?
yep
sure was


and i have no idea why




i am most certainly not the first person to ever come up with the idea that freedom is ironic because there is nothing about it thats free


but mostly i see this pertaining to the good ole u.s. of a.


PAUSE THAT THOUGHT
everywhere i have gone recently i see the same creepy people from my school...like 4 of them...not as in the 4 of them in a group...i mean the 4 of them very separately just all at the same places i am...at the same time...does this mean i am part of the creepy group that isnt really a group but in an unexplainable way is a group group?...this is a sort of sad but not so unexpected revelation...oh well, i digress...


OK YOU CAN UNPAUSE THE THOUGHT NOW


so i havent really ever compared and contrasted the meaning of freedom in the context of the Lord and i versus ya know, the country i live in


i have just sort of taken the word freedom in pertaining to my faith and just let it be sort of nice and refreshing but not much more than that...


but this afternoon it occurred to me that not only is freedom not free it only comes after a very intense battle


and not only does it come after an intense battle, it is something that has to be continually fought for and defended against any number of strategies, weapons, and enemies


it is a war actually
not a battle
that brings freedom


in fact
it is a war
not a battle
that brings anything worth fighting for




but we are not the ones fighting
we think we are because we're dumb
but we arent
the Lord and the enemy are in this war over our souls
over our attention
over our beings
over everything we are, have, and will choose to be


kate what happened to the battle you are fighting has already been won?


Chist won the battle for our hearts...absolutely
but our worship, our adoration, our desires
there is this constant war being waged not for our initial freedom, bought at a price on the Cross, no...youre right not for the freedom itself but for what we choose to do with it


how do i know that?
welp, if im gonna go fight for something, its gonna be because it has worth to me, it means something to me, it helps me in some way, it matters, it has value 
and call me crazy but i feel like probably Christ and the devil feel the same


which means that if all we were called to do was to come to earth and get saved...then after that, wouldnt we lose our worth to satan? wouldnt he have no choice but to concede the loss? call it a day? go after something else...someONE else? if there was only one purpose for us here, then after that one purpose was accomplished...wouldnt his white flag on us go up? hed have no choice...bc thatd be the ballgame


dont read that as me saying you can lose your salvation...but people im talkin about purpose...im talkin about meaning...im talkin about God saying HEY ITS NOT ENOUGH TO JUST BELIEVE...I WANT MORE FOR AND FROM YOU THAN THAT...I WANT EVERYTHING...NOT JUST YOUR BELIEF...I WANT YOUR LIFE...AND I WONT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT






we clearly still have worth or the Creator wouldnt be constantly fighting for our attention with the most wicked being ever to live...actually we clearly have worth to satan too...which means to me that he knows that if he loses me to the Good Side that its a devastating loss, and think what you will but that makes me feel pretty solid about my standing in the Lords eyes...it feels pretty fantastic to be looked at from the Winning side AND the losing side as a valuable player...




so our freedom is not free
but our Freer says this war over you and over me is one worth fighting...and its one worth giving His most prized weapon for...His ONLY son


it is a bloody war
one not devoid of casualties
there are wounded soldiers
there are strategies that fail
there are plans that go a ry
there are captors taken
there are choices made and consequences that follow
there are sacrifices made that go unanswered
there are, unfortunately, battles that are lost...


but God says HEY, keep your head up...he may have won that battle, but I WILL WIN THIS WAR




you are not just worth the rescue
you are worth the redemption
you are worth the restoration
you are worth the reformation
the recreation, resolution, the reaction, the rebuilding


you are worth doing it all the first time
but you are worth so much, that I am compelled to do it again
you are worth so much that I am so ok adding 're' to my vocabulary concerning you


freedom doesnt just happen
and it doesnt just stay that way once it has
it has to be fought for
it has to be sacrificed for
it has to come at cost
it does come at a cost
a cost He is willing to pay because you are priceless
so go live in some freedom
and leave the fight Your Father
cause freedom isnt freedom cause its free, freedom is freedom because you are....


youre free
go live like it

okay, so who am i?

i dont remember how long ago, but a couple of years ago, i guess right at 2 actually i sat in milledgeville, ga and did something strange

kate mardis did something strange?
please try to contain your shocked face


i started writing who i was
what?
i dont remember why exactly, i guess i just wanted some sort of firmer answer to the question who are you? tell me about yourself.....
because surprisingly i get that question a lot
and beyond the factual things like, female, caucasian, 23, southern....the rest is sort of up in the air for debate unless i have some sort of defense and knowledge about it

so i just started writing and it ended up being 8 pages...some of it stuff i was proud of, some not so much...but there it was...8 pages of phrases made up of anywhere from 1-7 or 8 words describing me...and i havent looked at that list in a while, a year ago i guess was the last time...so what im gonna do is accept the fact that ive changed a little since 2 years ago and sort of make a list on here, and then ill be able to compare them maybe...because sometimes, its fun to see your growth...and sometimes its not fun....but either way, its a really good thing to do

ya know, to be honest with yourself and the Lord
and in my case, all of the internet who ventures into my little cave of thoughts
so here we go i guess:

i never feel more comfortable than when im in my chucks and a pair of jeans, hilarious is no longer a term that i find a big compliment in...its more just sort of a phrase i accept as factual yet cliche, even if well intentioned, and move on, unapologetically passionate, people watcher, so creative, i'm awesome at coming up with ideas...not so swell with follow through-but i am beginning to realize this just means i am a big picture person and not a details person, its rare that i go to a public place alone and dont end up having a conversation with someone, ive met all kinds of people with all kinds of stories and its honestly one of my favorite qualities about me

when i talk about the Lord it sounds more like im talking about my best friend...actually i guess i am

i will never get tired of kids, or what they teach me
God allows me a privilege and responsibility of seeing things very very very differently than other people
owning a mac makes me feel cooler, i wont lie
the more i like Jesus the harder it is for me to find motivation to live and work towards the future, bc i just like today and what it brings mostly
God has made me brave
i get irritated with immaturity and irresponsibility very quickly
excuses wont get you anywhere with me
i have a heart to help lots of people
it bothers me when people arent understanding with other people
compassion matters
worship happens a lot, and very rarely in church for me
i cant imagine doing anything other than marketing
i love life, and living, and breathing, and creating, and discovering, and learning, and talking, and listening, and being, and helping, and following, and leading, and believing, and understanding, and accomplishing, and wondering, and dreaming, and questioning, and looking, and seeing, and just existing
i will always make the decision that i believe i can defend and stand on, not the decision that everyone around me thinks is best....because if one day i look back and see that the only thing ive got left to stand on are the choices ive made, than i at least want to be comfortable in their solidness
if anyone ever figures out how to read my mind besides Jesus, they will probably be very confused
you wont understand this maybe, but if i look at an object for a second or so, then most of the time i can tell you what it would look like if it were animated
i'm pretty sure im going to write a book one day
i am a lot more comfortable being alone then most of the rest of the world i think
i want to be rich one day because i want to give everything i have away but i realized the other day that i probably wont ever be rich because i already give almost everything i have away and i am so beyond ok with that, you have no idea
a month ago i had taken out a little extra on a student loan so i could buy a mac but someone made me feel bad about doing that so i didnt even though i had wanted one for a long time, so then on my birthday the school called and said they had messed up my paperwork and charged me too much so id be getting my 2nd refund of the semester, the amount of the refund was exactly the amount of my mac...so i didnt turn down the 2nd chance and you WILL NOT convince me that it was anything other than God Himself intervening on my behalf, and no i am not joking

people fascinate me
i think it should be criminal to talk down people and their dreams just because your life is miserable
i believe with everything i am that if we started living as though God is everything we say He is in our churches on sundays this world would be so so so so so much different
someone told me when i was little God was going to use me for BIG CRAZY things and i was just silly enough that i still believe they were right
i have a football player that likes me
i am a jerk to him
and he still likes me
and it makes me laugh
and confuses me
there is even some sort of possibility that he might read this
which also sort of makes me laugh
i guess i should define what i mean by like
he ends up showing up places i am a lot
and then sits down and talks to me/distracts me until he decides to go find someone who will be nice to him
which is rarely me
anyway
i wanna move to australia one day
i have trouble knowing whether to use affect or effect and it bothers me
but not enough to do anything about it
a goo goo dolls song just came on, ive got a coffee in my hand, the bible beside me, and probably a friend to talk to not far from showing up, all that adds up to this moment being as perfect as i could ask for...so on that note, i leave you with this:

if you dont know who you are
figure it out
write it down
talk it out
learn it
feel it
think about it
after you figure it out, love it
love it with all youve got
even the crappy stuff
why?
because right now, this is where you are
this is where the Lord has you
its where He is choosing to use you, and love you, and grow you, and meet you
be proud of who God has made you, even if everyone else calls it weird
fall in love with the pieces God has made your puzzle out of
jump into it with both feet and dont look back and dont apologize
be who you are
its too hard and life is too short to be anything but yourself
and besides you spend all this time trying to fool everyone and sooner or later the truth comes out anyway
so why waste those moments pretending
there are bigger dragons to fight
so go fight em
and stop worrying about why your armor doesnt look like everyone elses
it might be because its meant to fight a different dragon
you wont know till you try
go live your life with some gusto
and for the Lord's sake, give it all youve got, you owe it to Him

Passionately Passionate

i realize there are a lot of things in life that arent fair, but i wanna just vent about something that has been annoying me lately because of how unfair it feels


all my life i was encouraged to be 100% about things, i was encouraged to not just give 50% or even 80% of myself to something, that if i was going to throw myself into something i either needed to do it to the best of my ability and do it big or dont bother at all


ok thats great


me putting myself all in to whatever i do has generated a very passionate human being


i dont do much but its because whatever i do, i do it all, i do it well, and i do my best
i become borderline obsessed with things
i find out all i can about stuff
i give everything ive got to stuff
i talk about it a lot
i work hard for it
i sacrifice for it
i dive in head first and i dont look back and for the most part i dont regret it
sometimes the "it" is a friendship, sometimes its an organization, sometimes its a school project (ok its very very rarely a school project) but you get the idea...


i am willing to make the claim at this point that i am one of the most passionate human beings you may ever meet, and if you think thats being cocky i will just say that you have probably never heard me talk about chick-fil-a, my friends, Jesus, marketing, golf...i could go on but i wont


growing up, i was told that passion was the difference in good and great
passion was the line in the sand between maybe and absolutely
passion was something to be strived for
passion was something not just everyone could be
passion was a rare and wonderful quality
passion was a good thing




and to a point i still get told some sort of combination of the above statements




passion is the reason that even though, at the moment, i am only a team leader for cfa, i can tell you the entire chick fil a story of how we started as a company, i can tell you all the key players, i can tell you the nutritional information of about 90% of our menu, i can tell you key sales figures from the past 10 years of our corporation, i can tell you new products/services being developed under the cfa brand, i can tell you exactly where we stand as a unit in respect to the rest of the chain in the drive thru reports on any given day, i can tell you not just most of what we do but why we do it, how we do it, when it started, and where wed like to see it go, i can leave your head spinning with so much cfa information you could convince someone that you worked for us....


i gotta tell you, if you think you could walk into any other cfa and expect another team leader or member to know that stuff for no other reason then their love of all things cfa...you have another thing comin


all that to say that lately ive found myself more and more having to defend why i am passionate about things
people making fun of my passion




im old enough to know that not everyone is going to like, or understand, or agree with, or appreciate everything i do or am but when exactly did it become wrong to be passionate about the life you live?


why is it wrong to feel strongly about something?
why am i having to defend my enthusiasm?
why is it ok to hurt someone with words because they love what they do, who they get to be, and who they get to be around?
when did it become acceptable to tear down someone for diving in when the rest of the world is just wading?




thats junk




i am not the smartest person you will ever know
i dont have the most creative ideas
i am funny a lot of times, but i certainly have joke fails quite often
i will never be an olympic athlete
i talk a lot
i dont listen very well
its hard to focus on things
i procrastinate like my life depends on it
i have a problem with not thinking things all the way through
i dont have a lot of friends
and i've been told i should smile more often




but dang it ive got passion
ive got enthusiasm
whatever i do, i do my best to do it well
i am dedicated
i work hard for things i believe in, it just turns out that i dont believe in very many things


and who said i had to?
maybe its better to just have a few things and do those with all your heart, and rock those out
that, btw, is what chick fil a's theory is about our menu...its why while everyone else is expanding their menu with lots and lots of choices we stick to what we have always had and just keep making that the best it can be...and i probably dont have to tell you who is winning the war both  economically and with brand image






so im done apologizing for passion
Jesus was passionate
He was passionate about people
and all the "stuff" i end up being passionate about are because i see a great way to appreciate and be passionate about people through them


im done saying im sorry that i get really excited about what i do
about who i am
im done saying please forgive me for giving you everything i have
im done with i apologize that the way i can serve you, respect you, and honor you best is to do my best for and with you


its ok if you arent passionate
i understand that not everyone is me
thank God for that
i understand that there is a beauty to the diversity of Gods creation
i appreciate that passion doesnt have to be your forte
i accept that i dont have to understand everyone not being as enthusiastic about stuff as i am


but just because you dont get so excited you could burst over things like marketing, great customer service, chick fil a, friends, God's goodness, laughter and every other thing i get so excited about doesnt mean that you get to question the validity or acceptability of the twinkle i have in my eye




if you think im just some silly 23 year old who is "just being kate" then i respectfully tell you youre wrong, i respectfully tell you that whether you are 60 or 16, whether you have been through hell all your life or havent ever had a bad day, whether you are my best friend or you have never met me, there is nothing that gives you the right to do what you can to extinguish someone else's flame, mine or otherwise....NOTHING


God gives me excitement
He made it
He made me too
and i think if God loves that about me then you need to step off and realize you dont have a right to not love it too




sorry that this isn't the typical post for me
but people hurt sometimes
i hurt sometimes
and sometimes you let it go
but sometimes i think its ok to stand up and say, i hear what youre saying, but youre wrong