watch this whole thing....dont let the science stuff lose you at first...its worth it at the end, i promise!
11.15.2009
11.02.2009
advil or adderall?!
about 20 minutes ago,
i got to experience something that, because of my adhd, i havent really felt in my many years of being in school
i got to walk out of a test feeling almost completely confident that in the battle of kate vs exam....i TOTALLY won
i dont just mean i think i did pretty well
or even that i am pretty sure i got most of them right
i mean i beasted it
i showed that test who was boss...
im so confident it makes me want to call my professor right now and ask her to grade it just because i want to see how really amazingly i did
its a feeling of when youre handing the test in you just want to look at the prof and kind of nod your head and just say yea...been there, done that...what else ya got?!
now THAT is confidence
ive taken some amount of flack from some of the Christians around me for "giving into science" so to speak and taking the medicine to help me and not just relying on God to heal me if He so desires...
but my thinking is 2 things
1. He has blessed certain people with the ability to put these meds together to help people and maybe this is how He is going to provide a way for me to get through school rather than healing...i believe that God is who He says He is and part of that is that He calls Himself Healer...so i believe that He heals where He sees fit...however i also know that sometimes He allows the "thorn (as paul referred to it)" to stick around for whatever reason....so maybe He is just helping me in a different way than people expect which would certainly be in the category of normal for Him
2. i ran out of medicine before my first calculus test a few weeks ago and had to take it "on my own" and let me tell you...it was HORRIBLE...i ended up making a high "C" but when you are SURE that you know the material and you are POSITIVE that it is a lack of focus not a lack of knowledge that is hindering you from doing well (in other words, a factor that is completely out of your control) words cant really describe the amount of frustration/helplessness/dispair that comes over you leading to even less focus....it felt like i was back at north greenville all over again
its one thing to go your entire life doing school and not getting it but thinking everyone felt like that and not knowing any difference but its a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME to know that there is something that could help you but you just cant get your hands on it at that moment....its an incredibly awful feeling...almost a kind of personal hell...
and dont get me wrong knowing that i have to take medicine every day just to perform normal human functions...not any super power...just normal (breathing, focusing, being in a "normal mood) is not a picnic...and there are days where i just want to quit them all together just to not be "tied down" but it never takes long for me to realize that those meds are here to help...they make a better way for me...they sustain confidence in certain things for me (that i can sit down and read a whole book, that i can breathe and not scare the mess out of my friends by not breathing so well, being able to know that im not stupid or dumb i just dont learn like everyone else) and that confidence far surpasses any hindrance of having to take 2 or 3 pills a day
my prayer is that i will find that much confidence in Christ...
sure sometimes the walk gets hard...
sometimes it calls me to do things that id rather not
sometimes it comes with some "unpleasent side effects"
sometimes i just want to walk away from it even though i know in my Core that it offers something Better for me
its hard to be persistent
its hard to want to "take it everyday"
but God doesnt call me to an asprin "take as needed" faith
He calls me to a faith that effects, changes, and helps me daily...He calls me to "take it" even if i dont "have a test" or plan on "running a race" that day
because He is such a Personal, Relational Savior...He wants my indulgance even when "things are going smoothly...nothing too great, nothing too horrible"
He calls me to walk even when the waters are calm
because just like the medicine...
i can take it only when i "need" it...
but that kind of inconsistency causes more harm than good because my system gets a taste and then wants more and it knows that there is something i could be taking that could help it and it leaves a kind of hole...and when i take it inconsistently it doesnt reach its full potential in its effect on me
i dont want an advil God...
i want an adderall Father
have an amazing monday
i got to experience something that, because of my adhd, i havent really felt in my many years of being in school
i got to walk out of a test feeling almost completely confident that in the battle of kate vs exam....i TOTALLY won
i dont just mean i think i did pretty well
or even that i am pretty sure i got most of them right
i mean i beasted it
i showed that test who was boss...
im so confident it makes me want to call my professor right now and ask her to grade it just because i want to see how really amazingly i did
its a feeling of when youre handing the test in you just want to look at the prof and kind of nod your head and just say yea...been there, done that...what else ya got?!
now THAT is confidence
ive taken some amount of flack from some of the Christians around me for "giving into science" so to speak and taking the medicine to help me and not just relying on God to heal me if He so desires...
but my thinking is 2 things
1. He has blessed certain people with the ability to put these meds together to help people and maybe this is how He is going to provide a way for me to get through school rather than healing...i believe that God is who He says He is and part of that is that He calls Himself Healer...so i believe that He heals where He sees fit...however i also know that sometimes He allows the "thorn (as paul referred to it)" to stick around for whatever reason....so maybe He is just helping me in a different way than people expect which would certainly be in the category of normal for Him
2. i ran out of medicine before my first calculus test a few weeks ago and had to take it "on my own" and let me tell you...it was HORRIBLE...i ended up making a high "C" but when you are SURE that you know the material and you are POSITIVE that it is a lack of focus not a lack of knowledge that is hindering you from doing well (in other words, a factor that is completely out of your control) words cant really describe the amount of frustration/helplessness/dispair that comes over you leading to even less focus....it felt like i was back at north greenville all over again
its one thing to go your entire life doing school and not getting it but thinking everyone felt like that and not knowing any difference but its a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME to know that there is something that could help you but you just cant get your hands on it at that moment....its an incredibly awful feeling...almost a kind of personal hell...
and dont get me wrong knowing that i have to take medicine every day just to perform normal human functions...not any super power...just normal (breathing, focusing, being in a "normal mood) is not a picnic...and there are days where i just want to quit them all together just to not be "tied down" but it never takes long for me to realize that those meds are here to help...they make a better way for me...they sustain confidence in certain things for me (that i can sit down and read a whole book, that i can breathe and not scare the mess out of my friends by not breathing so well, being able to know that im not stupid or dumb i just dont learn like everyone else) and that confidence far surpasses any hindrance of having to take 2 or 3 pills a day
my prayer is that i will find that much confidence in Christ...
sure sometimes the walk gets hard...
sometimes it calls me to do things that id rather not
sometimes it comes with some "unpleasent side effects"
sometimes i just want to walk away from it even though i know in my Core that it offers something Better for me
its hard to be persistent
its hard to want to "take it everyday"
but God doesnt call me to an asprin "take as needed" faith
He calls me to a faith that effects, changes, and helps me daily...He calls me to "take it" even if i dont "have a test" or plan on "running a race" that day
because He is such a Personal, Relational Savior...He wants my indulgance even when "things are going smoothly...nothing too great, nothing too horrible"
He calls me to walk even when the waters are calm
because just like the medicine...
i can take it only when i "need" it...
but that kind of inconsistency causes more harm than good because my system gets a taste and then wants more and it knows that there is something i could be taking that could help it and it leaves a kind of hole...and when i take it inconsistently it doesnt reach its full potential in its effect on me
i dont want an advil God...
i want an adderall Father
have an amazing monday
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