Easy Mac and Raisin Bran...

God thumps me in the head a lot

what i mean by that is He chooses to get my attention (thumping) in extraordinary ways (in the head) often (a lot)

it is probably because i have never been one to pick up on things in "normal ways"

i guess since He made me, He might realize that

so last weekend it shouldn't have surprised me that my easily distracted mind was one of the venues He did this through, but as usual, it did

it doesn't shock many (any) people to find out i am about as ADHD as they come, even with a crazy high dose of medicine daily its still a struggle to get me to focus completely...keep in mind i deal with this with myself when im alone just as much if not more than when im with other people...because i know that i have to be more intentional and direct with certain things...even day to day tasks like washing the dishes...most of the time i just kind of have to almost distract the distraction by adding a little creativity or "fun" to something so that i become distracted by the game enough that i just end up doing the task...if that doesnt make sense, just bear with me or ask me about it later, ill try to explain it

so last week i went into the kitchen to wash out my bowl of easy mac at which point i decided to see if i could clean the mac bowl completely by only watching the dirty cereal bowl that was sitting underneath it in the sink....the thought was that once i saw consistently that the water in the cereal bowl was completely clear i would be sure that the mac and cheese bowl i was holding was clean too...and voila i also wouldve taken care of washing 2 bowls only 1 of which was mine

as i was playing my little game a thought occured:

coming into this summer has been unlike any other for me, spiritually i have felt less worthy of this challenge than i have any other year...i have doubted up until almost the day of training how effective i was going to be because of how messy/gross/dirty internally i am increasingly realizing i am inside 

i have cried out to God in worry and fear about what kind of leader i was going to be able to be if coming into it i was so empty myself

(heres the connection)

God never called me to be clean, He only called me to be under the faucet

i would not have been able to clean the cereal bowl very well if all i did was look at the mac and cheese, but alternatively i was able to clean the mac and cheese by focusing on channeling the water towards the cereal bowl

i dont have to worry about my dirt, i just have to make sure that the Source from which i'm getting my water is pure and then focusing on moving that water to the cereal bowls i want to be cleaned too

by doing so i become so "distracted by the distraction" of getting refreshed so that the cereal bowls can be cleaned and purified that i am forced to move out of my own way

and maybe in the end we'll have more clean dishes than what we started with

And the winner is...

i should probably start this off with a confession just so that it can help the 2 of you reading this to maybe understand a little more where i am coming from

i realize i'm probably the only person to do this ever but there have been a lot more occasions than i care to admit when i have used the phrase "because i feel like its what God wants," and to the best of my ability its probably been because of one or more of a few different reasons:
1. i knew that answer would get people off my back because what self proclaiming Christian would question that
2. i could not think of a better answer
3. i felt like at the time that since it was what i wanted and God loved me it was probably what He wanted to because i may not have had another "good" option

you may or may not have been following my journey the past few months in finding, contacting, trying out for, practicing, trying out for again, and then making the golf team at columbus state university

it was all very quick the way it happened and i admit i gave God very little option in the matter because at the time i was so consumed with wanting something to look forward to and find identity and security in that i felt like if God got involved He'd mess the whole thing up

this is very much a pride issue, an issue that im aware has existed for a while, and am just beginning to walk through God showing me how to make the choice of humility because of showing me how lethal my pride is

the pride of course only is a cover up
it is covering a wealth of insecurity about my worth as a human being
i think that internally, there was a large part of me that felt like a failure

i mean i look around and see my friends graduating, even the ones that i am older than, and i know that i still have a couple of years to go in that department
pretty much sense august i have felt like because i had no degree by my name, no job title of importance paying my bills, no organizations where i was moving into leadership, no ring on my finger, and not a lot of clear direction for the future that that must mean that i am not worth anything...or at least as much as people around me


and the way that i got into that "predicament?"
well it seemed like that was probably God's fault, because besides myself, who else was there to blame, and lets face it...blaming yourself involves changing yourself but when you blame someone else, the Creator included, you get to point fingers and take no responsibility because there is nothing you can do to change another being

so when the door opened for the 2nd time (the first being when i graduated high school in 2005) to attach the prestigious title of collegiate golfer to my name i jumped at the opportunity because after all why would God give me a chance to go do something that i had regretted not doing before if it wasnt clearly the best thing for me...so obviously since i had it all figured out and didnt need Him meddling in my life anymore...the default "this is what God wants" flag was flying high over fort kate

i was fooling everyone...even myself

the only thing i had to sacrifice was growth i could experience in the only real thing that has ever mattered...really mattered...to me....my faith


and it worked, everyone was so happy for me, i mean its a pretty great story if you think about it

because we all love stories where someone can overcome adversity and come back to follow a dream, especially if that dream is in the form of a second chance...i mean it could be a movie, and it would be a darn good one


people were impressed with me, and on the outside, that was making me thrive because i was feeding my pride tank and again, the only price? the only Consistent thing in my life

but inside, in my soul, i knew something was wrong...no not something...i knew exactly what it was


and i was aware that it was taking a toll on my heart, but my head kept saying it wasn't that big of a deal and that as soon as camp got here i would just go and get close to God again


but when CORE training got here, i forgot to put my heart in my pocket instead of on my sleeve, which seems to happen in an environment where a "safe to risk" strategy is neccessary and encouraged, but i thought i was such a good faker that 2 of the people i respect/look up to/admire most wouldnt see...but they did...and they love me...and so they called me out

i sat in the office with them for almost an hour and was stunned/hurt/lost while we talked about what was going on
i dont remember most of the exact subjects but i know that out of absolutely pure compassion, love, and concern they brought to my attention that pretty much, i was being everything i've hated in the leaders i've encountered over the years


that wasn't even the moment that the turn around was complete, that of course was just a baby step

fast forward to 5 days ago
i had had the heart knowledge that the decision to go play in the fall was wrong but it had been arguing with the head knowledge that it would be fine and it would all work out because i love golf and that was that for 4 months...and up until this moment, the head knowledge had won hands down

it was only after a conversation with a very dear friend last wednesday that i said out loud what my heart had known all along, and that was that i knew where God wanted me, and it wasn't columbus state university but i was scared because i didnt want to now let people down who had supported me along the way

i knew in that moment when i looked in sarah's eyes that the sickness that had been plaguing me for 4 months would only be cured by being true to what i knew God was leading me towards, and that was to leave camp in august and move back to charleston to finish school and work at cfa

when i told my parents and then managers the next day, i could not have asked for better responses
in fact i couldnt have planned a better last 3 days at cfa (with the exception of the guy having a seizure at lunch saturday and mom saving him and the ambulance coming but thats beside the point) and i am not only FOR REAL sure that this really is what God wants...because i think when youre in His will, you dont "think" or "feel like" you are...you know it...and i know it because of the peace i have about it, a peace that i know could only be from Him, im also VERY excited for the opportunities that it looks like will be opening up for me with cfa when i get back

i would be lying if i said i was not at all concerned anymore with what people will think of this choice, but i'm ok with that because i have realized that my worth is not in who i know but in the greatness and sovereignty of Who knows me...and thats fantastic, because He knows me a lot better than I do....thank God

It's not exactly Charles Stanley material...

a note from your tastebuds: finish strong

those are the words that hang on the point of purchase marketing material next to the double doors in chick fil a free standing unit 1570 otherwise known as my second home...

its supposed to be a poster that spurs you  to desire a slice of lemon pie, or a milkshake, or one of our other desserts

but its so much more....those last 2 words at least...for me

finish strong.

tony dungey is quoted as saying wherever you are today, be all there

those are the words ive been holding and chewing on the last couple of weeks

finish strong, and be all here...

but finishing strong sucks

and here is why

its hard to leave a place when youve finished crappy

its equally hard to leave a place when youve finished really well

when youre doing really great you dont wanna leave

so i kind of wish that as i leave this particular season i was finishing in some sort of neutral territory

but then that whole...what would Jesus do thing comes into play

when you leave some place on neutral ground, youve made nothing memorable, youve left no impact, no legacy...

and i would imagine that Jesus wouldnt be a fan of leaving something the same as when you got there...

sand didnt ever seem to be a real great thing in the Word...it always represented things that would fall, fail, and be blown away

so why then would we want the footprints we leave places to be those that are similar to footprints in the sand...why would our desire ever be that we leave footprints that are seen in the first few minutes after its left....

i would rather leave footprints in cement...

similar to those of the dog that ran through the garage when the house im living in was built...i have no idea what kind of dog it was, no clue what house the dog resided at, what the dog was doing in that cement, or anything else about it...other than that it was a dog

so my hope is that the footprints Christ allows me to leave will be looked upon in the future and someone will say i dont know who that was that made those footprints, i dont know where they lived or what they did or why they were here...i dont know what they did before or what they did after, but i know that the origin of this person was Christ...this person was a Christian

because sooner than we know or realize our names dont matter, our minor choices that seem so big dont really make that big a deal, because for about the billionth time...this isnt about you...or me...

this isnt about how big or great or much or different or fill in the blank you and your life are...this is all about leaving an impact where people only know later Who We Were, not who we were

so wherever you are in this moment...be there

and whether your finishing, starting, or just smack dab in the middle...

be all there, and while youre there: stand strong enough to make impact in cement but dont try and linger so your initials can be carved too...

i am doutful that this post will be very long
i also am unsure what i would like to write about

several of you have followed the journey of me practicing my heart out to make the golf team at columbus state...which i have successfully done


i have played and played and played...and played

and here i am exactly 5 days of work and 6 days from leaving for camp thinking...maybe not

maybe this fall in columbus isnt what God has for me...


i mean i made it yea...and maybe its just one of those i got what i wanted and now i dont want it anymore things...because that is so very kate classic as im learning...


maybe its because things at chick fil a are going so very very very well for me right now...


maybe its that little girl that doesnt want to leave her parents


maybe its the girl thats growing up and is finding more and more that maybe settling in with some roots wouldnt hurt...


i dont know what it is

but something just doesnt feel right about the fall

im scared out of my mind to say that to anyone but this screen, but its so freaking true
i hate letting people down, i hate letting myself down...and i feel like both happen if i back out now, but this fall...just doesnt feel like it should be


im very much wandering through a desert of questions right now but thats life right?

i hope that life for you, wherever that is and whatever that looks like is being lived with integrity and excitement...


i know its easy to get bogged down in the mundane daily tasks that become so normal and boring...but remember that your Father is in those too...just as much as He is in the blind man being healed in the third world countries

life is good today...but Life is good everyday...

i pray for authenticity and genuity for you wherever you are right now
i pray for answers and clarity with a peace that overwhelms your soul
i pray that love would drench your spirit like the rain after a drought in the summer
i pray you would live worthy of the calling you have recieved
i pray that you would draw closer to the heart of your Savior today then yesterday
i pray these for you because i long for them for me

my words are few and far between the last few weeks...but i serve a Loving Savior who speaks as loudly in silence as He does in a crowd

i hope youre week is awesome...and if it isnt, go grab a chick fil a sandwich, a milkshake, and have some time in outside just enjoying your Creator...it will almost definitely make things better...even if you dont have the sandwich and the milkshake