i feel like this post had better be good since its been a month and 6 days coming (since my dad doesnt count the last post as "real" because it isnt my writing....)
my semester is almost done
praise Jesus, i've almost made it...
with what looks like may very well be 2 a's and 1 b...or dare i say if i can pull it out on the calculus exam all a's?? either way is a stark contrast from my time at north greenville
still no job...still no prospects of a job....but i did work 36 hours in 3 days at chick fil a when i was home for thanksgiving...
and as much as it stunk having cfa be pretty much all i did last year all day every day i have to admit that after being jobless for 4 months it was really really nice and i was extremely thankful to not just have a job to go home to but i basically was given free reign as far as what i wanted on my schedule, when i wanted it, and what jobs i wanted to work when i was working....and the money wasnt too bad either...
as i look back on this semester and where i am versus where i thought i would be, it is no surprise that the 2 pictures look extremely different
some of thats good, some of its not so good...and some of it just...is
there are some changes happening, well actually...lots of changes happening...none of which i can really go into detail with because of the effect it has on other people involved...but they are happening none the less
they all seem to be really big changes too...nothing thats very small...and they are pretty much all coming at once which makes them all the more difficult to deal with
its once again led God and i into an argument about who gets to be in control here,
He's winning, dont worry
i think the thing that has been the hardest here was feeling like i was living with no purpose,
its understandable...i mean, i came out of camp where we see the gospel shared with about 1000 kids a week every thursday...and we hear stories of kids getting saved at camp and then bringing their families to church and seeing them get saved...and stories of kids finding Jesus and His Love on the football fields...or in the gym...or at the canteen...or at the puppet show...and i get to be a part of that for 10 weeks...but then i have to go back to "real life" where bible time is exchanged for study time and puppet shows are exchanged for tv shows and assembly time is exchanged for commute time and so the story goes...
and for anyone who has been in that, its just hard to go back to "your tiny little existence" feeling like youre making much of an impact on anything or anyone much less the Kingdom of God
and i have friends literally all over the world doing missions for terms ranging from a month or so to 5+ years and here i am in the middle of small town georgia with a few friends, even fewer dollars, and even fewer than that clues about what im supposed to do next and how exactly im going to do it
in "my christian generation" (the group of christian people my age and all of our conferences/retreats/churches/etc.) you hear alot of people mentioning having a life verse and my junior year of high school at the state fca retreat the speaker said to underline jeremiah 29:11 and make it our life verse...im still not exactly sure what some people mean by that term, and im also not sure how legit it is to obtain your persoanl reference/motto for life from some guy who spoke one time but i did and have since extended it to 11-13 if only because it makes me feel a little less cliche since just 29:11 is almost as popular as john 3:16....but more because it says that God does have plans for you, plans for good and not for evil plans to give you a hope and a future but what gets left out is the 13 part of it that says He will guide you on those plans when you go after Him with ALL of your heart...and that seemed pretty significant so i updated my l.v. (life verse for those of you who are a little slow at keeping up) i guess you could call it my life verse version 2.0 bigger, better, and less cliche
so as i get into these little arguments with God my tendency is to for a time only stick to passages in the Word that i know....and kind of put my exploring of said Word on hold...i dont know why, i guess its like my puny very childish way of trying to "show God" (yea i said it, dont act like you havent tried to do the same thing)
so today i was thinking about that little life verse of mine and decided to share some thoughts on the chapter as a whole...as is very relevant to my own life at the current time...because as great as the 11-13 passage is and as much comfort as it brings....to capture the real truth you have to look at all the verses around it
so i decided i didnt want to sound like an idiot and did some researching on commentaries on the passage...and let me tell you...BORING...so BORING...hopefully mine will keep your attention....hopefully, because it really does have some good points i think
in verse 4 something that struck me was that it says God sent them (the jews) into exile...He didnt just go with them into the hard time...He SENT them there...what the heck?! He had not just allowed everything to be taken from them, He had originated that...
so then we take a little hop skip and jump down to verse 10 and see that He gets jeremiah to tell them that they are going to be in exile for 70 YEARS...so i guess that puts away all the "pollyanna's" trying to be encouraging by saying its ok my little jewish friends, im sure this exile is just a season, it will pass soon...keep your heads up....and according to one of the commentaries the false prophets had been telling them that they would be out in just a few years....what a bummer...not only are these prophets you think are real, liars....and not only is it not going to be just a few years...its going to be SEVENTY YEARS....holy cow...i think id cry...
all the time
what hard news...thats a bad day...a really bad day...its big news...and its awful...and it isnt anything any of them wanted or expected to hear....yet God speaks it and says its the Truth
how could something like that be good? but God says right after that, in the very next verse....that He knows the plans He has for you...and they ARE Good...
and its just as true and relevant to us today as it was to the jews that jeremiah was writing to back then...all the pain, and trial, and hard stuff, and crap, and junk, and unfairness, and everything that makes us go oh come on, really?! it isnt seperate from Gods good plans for our lives...they are, on the contrary, an extremely vital part of it
i know for me, as a 22 year old college student, its easy to feel like that Gods plans for me will only begin at whatever tomorrow/next is...its like the plans are always down the road....if i just have this, or if i just go here, or if i just do this, or if i just get involved with that...its always something...you have to figure that thats probably how the jews felt right? i mean if they could just get out of this mess THEN Gods real plans would start...and im sure those would be good
but that whole wrench from verse 10 gets thrown in there...the 70 year thing...and what the heck are they supposed to think now? if God's plans are their purpose and Gods plans aka their purpose arent going to be starting for another 70 years than does that mean they would just be chillaxin for 70 years purposeless? surely not...surely God wouldnt do that....
nope
He wouldnt
but their answer would probably be that that means they will be getting out of this whole exile thing soon...
but Gods answer is that His plans for them...His purpose is right there in the desert WITH them...
look at verses 5 and 6, He doesnt say "hey jew homies this whole in-between exile thing is just some meaningless time" nope...instead he says go do work son....build houses and stuff...this has to be more awful news coming from the j-miah himself...
the jews want a ticket out (and who could blame them), they want a big pity party, to sulk and moan, to go anywhere but where they are....and then j man comes in and says "umm sorry guys, but God says you have to settle down and start living your life...right now...right here...right where you are...this moment, this very awful, hard, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad moment is part of His Good plan for you right now"
and the stuff he tells them to do...is so....NORMALLL....build houses, live in them, get married, make lots of babies....
how incredibly mundane
its easy to think/feel like if we are doing Gods work, we will be doing abnormal things...missions in africa, vacation bible schools in india, camps in belize....
but maybe we have it all wrong...
maybe what it really means is to do normal things in abnormal ways (hold the jokes, i know you have some)...just think about it
and finally (yea im almost done...promise)
in verse 7 it says to seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare
so maybe we arent just supposed to sneak into peoples lives, hand them a tract, invite them to church, get the salvation card, and then say a peace out see you in heaven kind of thing....maybe if this verse is right, we are supposed to actually invest in the culture around us...maybe we are supposed to really give ourselves to people around us and maybe if our welfare is found in the culture around us's welfare...then perhaps life around us, as well as our own individual lives would be better, stronger, greater, healthier if we stopped caring about how people and things and events and ideas had wounded/hurt/damaged us and instead started pursuing all of those people things events and ideas with the love and compassion and grace of Jesus Christ.
sorry for the research paper...clearly i can eliminate a career in biblical commentary writing...and also a job at readers digest...and i guess i can sufficiently say that i have, in one blog, made up for a months worth of words....
have a terrific tuesday...full of alliteration, awkard situations, and new found fashions you never thought youd see...
12.08.2009
11.15.2009
laminin
watch this whole thing....dont let the science stuff lose you at first...its worth it at the end, i promise!
11.02.2009
advil or adderall?!
about 20 minutes ago,
i got to experience something that, because of my adhd, i havent really felt in my many years of being in school
i got to walk out of a test feeling almost completely confident that in the battle of kate vs exam....i TOTALLY won
i dont just mean i think i did pretty well
or even that i am pretty sure i got most of them right
i mean i beasted it
i showed that test who was boss...
im so confident it makes me want to call my professor right now and ask her to grade it just because i want to see how really amazingly i did
its a feeling of when youre handing the test in you just want to look at the prof and kind of nod your head and just say yea...been there, done that...what else ya got?!
now THAT is confidence
ive taken some amount of flack from some of the Christians around me for "giving into science" so to speak and taking the medicine to help me and not just relying on God to heal me if He so desires...
but my thinking is 2 things
1. He has blessed certain people with the ability to put these meds together to help people and maybe this is how He is going to provide a way for me to get through school rather than healing...i believe that God is who He says He is and part of that is that He calls Himself Healer...so i believe that He heals where He sees fit...however i also know that sometimes He allows the "thorn (as paul referred to it)" to stick around for whatever reason....so maybe He is just helping me in a different way than people expect which would certainly be in the category of normal for Him
2. i ran out of medicine before my first calculus test a few weeks ago and had to take it "on my own" and let me tell you...it was HORRIBLE...i ended up making a high "C" but when you are SURE that you know the material and you are POSITIVE that it is a lack of focus not a lack of knowledge that is hindering you from doing well (in other words, a factor that is completely out of your control) words cant really describe the amount of frustration/helplessness/dispair that comes over you leading to even less focus....it felt like i was back at north greenville all over again
its one thing to go your entire life doing school and not getting it but thinking everyone felt like that and not knowing any difference but its a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME to know that there is something that could help you but you just cant get your hands on it at that moment....its an incredibly awful feeling...almost a kind of personal hell...
and dont get me wrong knowing that i have to take medicine every day just to perform normal human functions...not any super power...just normal (breathing, focusing, being in a "normal mood) is not a picnic...and there are days where i just want to quit them all together just to not be "tied down" but it never takes long for me to realize that those meds are here to help...they make a better way for me...they sustain confidence in certain things for me (that i can sit down and read a whole book, that i can breathe and not scare the mess out of my friends by not breathing so well, being able to know that im not stupid or dumb i just dont learn like everyone else) and that confidence far surpasses any hindrance of having to take 2 or 3 pills a day
my prayer is that i will find that much confidence in Christ...
sure sometimes the walk gets hard...
sometimes it calls me to do things that id rather not
sometimes it comes with some "unpleasent side effects"
sometimes i just want to walk away from it even though i know in my Core that it offers something Better for me
its hard to be persistent
its hard to want to "take it everyday"
but God doesnt call me to an asprin "take as needed" faith
He calls me to a faith that effects, changes, and helps me daily...He calls me to "take it" even if i dont "have a test" or plan on "running a race" that day
because He is such a Personal, Relational Savior...He wants my indulgance even when "things are going smoothly...nothing too great, nothing too horrible"
He calls me to walk even when the waters are calm
because just like the medicine...
i can take it only when i "need" it...
but that kind of inconsistency causes more harm than good because my system gets a taste and then wants more and it knows that there is something i could be taking that could help it and it leaves a kind of hole...and when i take it inconsistently it doesnt reach its full potential in its effect on me
i dont want an advil God...
i want an adderall Father
have an amazing monday
i got to experience something that, because of my adhd, i havent really felt in my many years of being in school
i got to walk out of a test feeling almost completely confident that in the battle of kate vs exam....i TOTALLY won
i dont just mean i think i did pretty well
or even that i am pretty sure i got most of them right
i mean i beasted it
i showed that test who was boss...
im so confident it makes me want to call my professor right now and ask her to grade it just because i want to see how really amazingly i did
its a feeling of when youre handing the test in you just want to look at the prof and kind of nod your head and just say yea...been there, done that...what else ya got?!
now THAT is confidence
ive taken some amount of flack from some of the Christians around me for "giving into science" so to speak and taking the medicine to help me and not just relying on God to heal me if He so desires...
but my thinking is 2 things
1. He has blessed certain people with the ability to put these meds together to help people and maybe this is how He is going to provide a way for me to get through school rather than healing...i believe that God is who He says He is and part of that is that He calls Himself Healer...so i believe that He heals where He sees fit...however i also know that sometimes He allows the "thorn (as paul referred to it)" to stick around for whatever reason....so maybe He is just helping me in a different way than people expect which would certainly be in the category of normal for Him
2. i ran out of medicine before my first calculus test a few weeks ago and had to take it "on my own" and let me tell you...it was HORRIBLE...i ended up making a high "C" but when you are SURE that you know the material and you are POSITIVE that it is a lack of focus not a lack of knowledge that is hindering you from doing well (in other words, a factor that is completely out of your control) words cant really describe the amount of frustration/helplessness/dispair that comes over you leading to even less focus....it felt like i was back at north greenville all over again
its one thing to go your entire life doing school and not getting it but thinking everyone felt like that and not knowing any difference but its a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME to know that there is something that could help you but you just cant get your hands on it at that moment....its an incredibly awful feeling...almost a kind of personal hell...
and dont get me wrong knowing that i have to take medicine every day just to perform normal human functions...not any super power...just normal (breathing, focusing, being in a "normal mood) is not a picnic...and there are days where i just want to quit them all together just to not be "tied down" but it never takes long for me to realize that those meds are here to help...they make a better way for me...they sustain confidence in certain things for me (that i can sit down and read a whole book, that i can breathe and not scare the mess out of my friends by not breathing so well, being able to know that im not stupid or dumb i just dont learn like everyone else) and that confidence far surpasses any hindrance of having to take 2 or 3 pills a day
my prayer is that i will find that much confidence in Christ...
sure sometimes the walk gets hard...
sometimes it calls me to do things that id rather not
sometimes it comes with some "unpleasent side effects"
sometimes i just want to walk away from it even though i know in my Core that it offers something Better for me
its hard to be persistent
its hard to want to "take it everyday"
but God doesnt call me to an asprin "take as needed" faith
He calls me to a faith that effects, changes, and helps me daily...He calls me to "take it" even if i dont "have a test" or plan on "running a race" that day
because He is such a Personal, Relational Savior...He wants my indulgance even when "things are going smoothly...nothing too great, nothing too horrible"
He calls me to walk even when the waters are calm
because just like the medicine...
i can take it only when i "need" it...
but that kind of inconsistency causes more harm than good because my system gets a taste and then wants more and it knows that there is something i could be taking that could help it and it leaves a kind of hole...and when i take it inconsistently it doesnt reach its full potential in its effect on me
i dont want an advil God...
i want an adderall Father
have an amazing monday
10.28.2009
give em something to talk about...
thoughts right now:
i will be productive today...i HAVE to be productive today
...well maybe after a blog and a nap (i do have laundry going right now...so does that start to help?)
im going home tomorrow...as independent as i am...and as much as i hate admitting i need people/things/help...i miss my parents alot...so so so so much...i havent seen my mom in about 2 months and i havent seen dad in almost 3 months...INSANITY....plus its always a good time to be able to get away from "reality" for a few days
i have misplaced my beloved media remote for my computer...this makes me EXTREMELY sad...i hope after i clean my room today ill find it and once again resume my "shoot the song" game from across the room...(if you dont understand this please refer to the post "i dont know what short means")
im in that state of tired enough to want to take a nap but maybe not tired enough to make that desire a success..sad day
i really appreciate the lackage of smoking in restaurants in georgia...this means that i can go to waffle house and study and enjoy the amusing "atmosphere" without catching emphyzema 16 times...its basically heaven
i should get another chair for my room...just to give myself options for seating ya know?
ok enough about that...
2 goals for this post: a story and a "thought"
which one first?
hmm...
how about the story...
i was in the coffee shop downtown the other day...
its where all of the students hang out....its kind of the equivalent of the grocery store in a small town...
you go there sometimes with purpose...sometimes not so much...
and youre always bound to see any number of people you know hanging out...
its a pretty cool environment if youre under the age of 25 or so...if not...i could see how it might be annoying
anyways...
so im in blackbird reading but i had taken my adderall really early that day so it was pretty much completely out of my system
so i was more people watching/observing than anything else
i noticed a group of 4 or 5 girls my age sitting on the couches across from me...one of them i know..the others i just know of.....
i do know for a fact however that they all claim Christianity as a big part of their lives
they were in one of those situations that i always love finding myself in...
just drinking coffee and laughing with each other...pretty harmless
and then this guy came over and sat down and started to try and talk to them...
he wasnt just any guy...
he was THAT guy...
not THE guy (the one who any girl would get awkward and speechless around, the one who would give her butterflies and who she would drop almost anything, or anyone to have a chance to talk to/hang out with) but THAT guy (the one who you cant get away from and you try not to make eye contact with just so he might pass you buy to go "bother" someone else, the one who seems to be everywhere you are all the time and cant ever take a hint....)
THAT guy came over and sat down in the chair beside them and began to talk to them...well he tried...but what i couldnt believe was that they sat there and completely and blatantly ignored him...
not just kind of listened but made it obvious they had other things to talk about/do that were more important then him...
i mean straight up just sat there and completely ignored everything he said
it broke my heart..
what happened next baffled me even more
he sat there trying to tell them something he clearly thought was important and when they ignored him he just sat quietly waiting for them to recognize him and his thoughts
but thats not the end
they CONTINUED to ignore him
i couldt believe what i was watching
but i didnt know what to do...and even if i had i didnt neccessarily want to do it bc then something worse mightve happened...
he mightve started trying to talk to ME...
(yep, i said it....honesty is the best policy...)
and God knows i didnt want that...
so he left...
i thought it was over
5 mins later he comes back and walks back over to them and starts tapping one of them on the knee and says look what i have....look....look at it...
of course i guess this girl didnt want to cause a scene, or maybe she just got a shot of compassion or something and so she finally looks up and starts paying attention
im not sure exactly what he was over there telling her/them but the girl he had touched...her face changed right before my eyes...whatever he was telling her was something she needed to know...maybe it was something about a class assignment or something, i dont really know...the subject isnt important...but right before my eyes in about 5 seconds she went from annoyance and attempting to ignore this person to realizing that whatever he so desperately wanted to tell her was information that, for whatever reason, she needed to know...
my first feeling was brokenhearted sadness over the fact that people claiming to be christians would be able to sit there and do that...
i also was pretty impressed at the guys perseverence
but i also realized i couldnt judge the group of girls because i have definitely had very similar, and sometimes worse situations happen...
so i wasnt really sure how to feel about the whole thing...sad? angry? hurt? humbled? so many options...
and then God threw His 2 cents in...
i wonder how many times God has come and tried to get my attention but i tried so hard to ignore His obvious presence...
He has desired and asked for my time/attention (which He created in the first place..how ironic huh?!) and whether its because i havent wanted people to associate me with His "wierdness" if they didnt know Him...or because i have other stuff around me to focus on...or because im not sure what He is going to say or do and its easier to just keep going with my life...i blatantly ignore Him
but i am so convinced that He does exactly what the coffeeshop guy did...
He will at first sit there, still present, but a little silent for a while to see if His "lack of noise" will get my attention...
and if that doesnt work...
He will take 5 and kind of allow the thought of...hmm, maybe He left...to enter and then He shows up...
gets in my face a little
He taps on my shoulder
He says KATE LOOK AT ME
LOOK WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU
He knows that what He has to offer and give is stuff i very much need...
and once i give in and finally roll my eyes and go ok God..what is it?
He starts filling me with what i need...
and my face changes
and my heart...
and everything about me...
until another distraction comes along and my dumb sinfulness decides i wanna try and focus on something else....and the cycle repeats
i have been blessed with people in my life right now that observe this happening and unlike my passiveness the other night...decide to step in and go kate, dont you think you should talk to Him...do you see what youre doing? dont you notice Him?...go talk to Him...go give Him some attention
so i come out of this with gratitude and humility
not only for the friends who see this and call me on it of course
but obviously moreso for a Savior who knows me, including my wants, desires, and needs better than i know myself...
a Love who is so desperate for me and my attention that He will do whatever it takes to turn it back to Him...
a Passion that never gives up, despite my stubborness...
a Friend that is everywhere, all the time...no matter what
a Father who is jealous for me
and you
i dont even remember what the thought was that i was going to post...but after writing...i think thats enough to chew on today
have a super wednesday!
i will be productive today...i HAVE to be productive today
...well maybe after a blog and a nap (i do have laundry going right now...so does that start to help?)
im going home tomorrow...as independent as i am...and as much as i hate admitting i need people/things/help...i miss my parents alot...so so so so much...i havent seen my mom in about 2 months and i havent seen dad in almost 3 months...INSANITY....plus its always a good time to be able to get away from "reality" for a few days
i have misplaced my beloved media remote for my computer...this makes me EXTREMELY sad...i hope after i clean my room today ill find it and once again resume my "shoot the song" game from across the room...(if you dont understand this please refer to the post "i dont know what short means")
im in that state of tired enough to want to take a nap but maybe not tired enough to make that desire a success..sad day
i really appreciate the lackage of smoking in restaurants in georgia...this means that i can go to waffle house and study and enjoy the amusing "atmosphere" without catching emphyzema 16 times...its basically heaven
i should get another chair for my room...just to give myself options for seating ya know?
ok enough about that...
2 goals for this post: a story and a "thought"
which one first?
hmm...
how about the story...
i was in the coffee shop downtown the other day...
its where all of the students hang out....its kind of the equivalent of the grocery store in a small town...
you go there sometimes with purpose...sometimes not so much...
and youre always bound to see any number of people you know hanging out...
its a pretty cool environment if youre under the age of 25 or so...if not...i could see how it might be annoying
anyways...
so im in blackbird reading but i had taken my adderall really early that day so it was pretty much completely out of my system
so i was more people watching/observing than anything else
i noticed a group of 4 or 5 girls my age sitting on the couches across from me...one of them i know..the others i just know of.....
i do know for a fact however that they all claim Christianity as a big part of their lives
they were in one of those situations that i always love finding myself in...
just drinking coffee and laughing with each other...pretty harmless
and then this guy came over and sat down and started to try and talk to them...
he wasnt just any guy...
he was THAT guy...
not THE guy (the one who any girl would get awkward and speechless around, the one who would give her butterflies and who she would drop almost anything, or anyone to have a chance to talk to/hang out with) but THAT guy (the one who you cant get away from and you try not to make eye contact with just so he might pass you buy to go "bother" someone else, the one who seems to be everywhere you are all the time and cant ever take a hint....)
THAT guy came over and sat down in the chair beside them and began to talk to them...well he tried...but what i couldnt believe was that they sat there and completely and blatantly ignored him...
not just kind of listened but made it obvious they had other things to talk about/do that were more important then him...
i mean straight up just sat there and completely ignored everything he said
it broke my heart..
what happened next baffled me even more
he sat there trying to tell them something he clearly thought was important and when they ignored him he just sat quietly waiting for them to recognize him and his thoughts
but thats not the end
they CONTINUED to ignore him
i couldt believe what i was watching
but i didnt know what to do...and even if i had i didnt neccessarily want to do it bc then something worse mightve happened...
he mightve started trying to talk to ME...
(yep, i said it....honesty is the best policy...)
and God knows i didnt want that...
so he left...
i thought it was over
5 mins later he comes back and walks back over to them and starts tapping one of them on the knee and says look what i have....look....look at it...
of course i guess this girl didnt want to cause a scene, or maybe she just got a shot of compassion or something and so she finally looks up and starts paying attention
im not sure exactly what he was over there telling her/them but the girl he had touched...her face changed right before my eyes...whatever he was telling her was something she needed to know...maybe it was something about a class assignment or something, i dont really know...the subject isnt important...but right before my eyes in about 5 seconds she went from annoyance and attempting to ignore this person to realizing that whatever he so desperately wanted to tell her was information that, for whatever reason, she needed to know...
my first feeling was brokenhearted sadness over the fact that people claiming to be christians would be able to sit there and do that...
i also was pretty impressed at the guys perseverence
but i also realized i couldnt judge the group of girls because i have definitely had very similar, and sometimes worse situations happen...
so i wasnt really sure how to feel about the whole thing...sad? angry? hurt? humbled? so many options...
and then God threw His 2 cents in...
i wonder how many times God has come and tried to get my attention but i tried so hard to ignore His obvious presence...
He has desired and asked for my time/attention (which He created in the first place..how ironic huh?!) and whether its because i havent wanted people to associate me with His "wierdness" if they didnt know Him...or because i have other stuff around me to focus on...or because im not sure what He is going to say or do and its easier to just keep going with my life...i blatantly ignore Him
but i am so convinced that He does exactly what the coffeeshop guy did...
He will at first sit there, still present, but a little silent for a while to see if His "lack of noise" will get my attention...
and if that doesnt work...
He will take 5 and kind of allow the thought of...hmm, maybe He left...to enter and then He shows up...
gets in my face a little
He taps on my shoulder
He says KATE LOOK AT ME
LOOK WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU
He knows that what He has to offer and give is stuff i very much need...
and once i give in and finally roll my eyes and go ok God..what is it?
He starts filling me with what i need...
and my face changes
and my heart...
and everything about me...
until another distraction comes along and my dumb sinfulness decides i wanna try and focus on something else....and the cycle repeats
i have been blessed with people in my life right now that observe this happening and unlike my passiveness the other night...decide to step in and go kate, dont you think you should talk to Him...do you see what youre doing? dont you notice Him?...go talk to Him...go give Him some attention
so i come out of this with gratitude and humility
not only for the friends who see this and call me on it of course
but obviously moreso for a Savior who knows me, including my wants, desires, and needs better than i know myself...
a Love who is so desperate for me and my attention that He will do whatever it takes to turn it back to Him...
a Passion that never gives up, despite my stubborness...
a Friend that is everywhere, all the time...no matter what
a Father who is jealous for me
and you
i dont even remember what the thought was that i was going to post...but after writing...i think thats enough to chew on today
have a super wednesday!
10.26.2009
22 facts for 22 years
well...i wasnt sure if i should do some "special birthday blog" or something...but i figured there is no rule book to this whole thng...so i can pretty much make it up as i go
so im going to attempt to put down 22 little known facts about me...for...as the title indicates, the 22 years ive been calling present in earth class
so here goes:
1. on my left temple, right beside my eye, i have an indention of a cap gun that i got hit with by my friend walker (note: we are no longer friends...i think this incident did us in) when i was 3 in daycare
2. when my dad used to take me to his office after school at whatever church we were at at the time i would go to either the fellowship hall or some other big open room (except the sanctuary...that place did and still does freak me out when im alone) and fake preach...i would even take prayer requests from "the congregation" made of whatever items i found lying around...some of them would even be unspokens :)
3. i dont like books or movies that have plots of things that couldnt actually happen in them
4. my job aspirations when i was younger were as follows: register person at the grocery store (so i could scan things with the laser) garbage lady (so i could ride the back of trash truck holding on only by the bars on the back) or mac truck driver (so i could sleep and eat in my truck...it seemed pretty all inclusive...throw some coloring books and play doh in there...its pretty much a party)
5. i remember filling out salvation cards for myself on at least 18 different occasions because everytime i would go to a camp/retreat/convention i would convince myself i "just needed to make sure"
6. i have shared the gospel with and prayed the sinners prayer with a stuffed cat
7. i cant count how many sermons i have heard my dad preach over the years but the only acrostic/outline i can remember is G.I.F.T.S. guidance....intention....falsehood...treasure....switching the plans (this one has a hand gesture to go with it
8. i will eat food i dont even want if it means i can have some dipping sauce...i am a sauce fanatic...and when i worked at chick fil a i would try different sauce combinations to make my own flavors and then recommend them to customers
9. until last march (2008) i had NEVER read an entire book...word for word...cover to cover...ever...not even for school...and then i got put on the adhd meds and 4 weeks later walked into barnes and noble and read 3 books for 7 hours straight without stopping
10. i started playing golf because i was in wal mart with my dad one day in the sporting goods section, he put a golf hat on me...told me i looked like a golfer...and at that moment...i just decided id start playing
11. i stand my ground pretty solidly but there are about 3 people (not including my parents) that are in my life that i am convinced could talk me into just about anything
12. when i talk to myself, 94% of the time it is in some strange voice...this is how i learn to do all the voices i do
13. i literally remember the exact moment that i realized i was funny
14. the only details about my wedding that ive thought about are 2 things: i want to walk down the isle barefoot...and i dont want it in a church...i have zero idea of why either one of those things are important to me
15. the only time i was ever in the principals office was the first day of first grade when i hit a boy for telling me to shut up
16. in 8th grade i spent my friday afternoons volunteering at the local assisted living center calling out bingo and hangin with the old folks...i decided to take on the challenge of making every resident a stress ball...it took me 1 month and a half to do...when i finally took them in...all the residents were told they were for poking flowers into...that was my last adventure at the assisted living center
17. the only thing i remember about my 6th birthday party at chuck e. cheeses is putting red pepper flakes in my brother and his friend that he was allowed to bring's pizza...and then also in their drinks because i knew as soon as they ate the pizza theyd need to cool it off by sipping some coke...im still pretty proud of this somewhat evil genius
18. i LOVE LOVE LOVE news magazine shows...i cant get enough of dateline, 48 hours, 20/20, and 60 minutes...
19. amaretto ice cream with pop rocks=HEAVEN
20. i add/remove names for my future children based on the feelngs i have about the people i come into contact with from day to day (i.e. in kindegarden there was a girl named tina who took my lunch money everyday...therefore i will not be naming my daughter tina...on the same note, i have never met a sarah that i didnt like)
21. at sports camp in 5th grade i decided to sign up for gymnastics and i was so uncoordinated that the coach by the 1st session of the 3rd day gave me my own mat in the corner so i could "work at my own pace"...i didnt even get to play in the foam block pit...bitter still? a little
22. i can do a MAD toe touch...and i havent cheered a day in my life
there ya have it folks...22 uncommonly known facts about yours truly...ill get back to regular posting tomorrow....
hope you enjoyed
HAPPY OCTOBER 26th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so im going to attempt to put down 22 little known facts about me...for...as the title indicates, the 22 years ive been calling present in earth class
so here goes:
1. on my left temple, right beside my eye, i have an indention of a cap gun that i got hit with by my friend walker (note: we are no longer friends...i think this incident did us in) when i was 3 in daycare
2. when my dad used to take me to his office after school at whatever church we were at at the time i would go to either the fellowship hall or some other big open room (except the sanctuary...that place did and still does freak me out when im alone) and fake preach...i would even take prayer requests from "the congregation" made of whatever items i found lying around...some of them would even be unspokens :)
3. i dont like books or movies that have plots of things that couldnt actually happen in them
4. my job aspirations when i was younger were as follows: register person at the grocery store (so i could scan things with the laser) garbage lady (so i could ride the back of trash truck holding on only by the bars on the back) or mac truck driver (so i could sleep and eat in my truck...it seemed pretty all inclusive...throw some coloring books and play doh in there...its pretty much a party)
5. i remember filling out salvation cards for myself on at least 18 different occasions because everytime i would go to a camp/retreat/convention i would convince myself i "just needed to make sure"
6. i have shared the gospel with and prayed the sinners prayer with a stuffed cat
7. i cant count how many sermons i have heard my dad preach over the years but the only acrostic/outline i can remember is G.I.F.T.S. guidance....intention....falsehood...treasure....switching the plans (this one has a hand gesture to go with it
8. i will eat food i dont even want if it means i can have some dipping sauce...i am a sauce fanatic...and when i worked at chick fil a i would try different sauce combinations to make my own flavors and then recommend them to customers
9. until last march (2008) i had NEVER read an entire book...word for word...cover to cover...ever...not even for school...and then i got put on the adhd meds and 4 weeks later walked into barnes and noble and read 3 books for 7 hours straight without stopping
10. i started playing golf because i was in wal mart with my dad one day in the sporting goods section, he put a golf hat on me...told me i looked like a golfer...and at that moment...i just decided id start playing
11. i stand my ground pretty solidly but there are about 3 people (not including my parents) that are in my life that i am convinced could talk me into just about anything
12. when i talk to myself, 94% of the time it is in some strange voice...this is how i learn to do all the voices i do
13. i literally remember the exact moment that i realized i was funny
14. the only details about my wedding that ive thought about are 2 things: i want to walk down the isle barefoot...and i dont want it in a church...i have zero idea of why either one of those things are important to me
15. the only time i was ever in the principals office was the first day of first grade when i hit a boy for telling me to shut up
16. in 8th grade i spent my friday afternoons volunteering at the local assisted living center calling out bingo and hangin with the old folks...i decided to take on the challenge of making every resident a stress ball...it took me 1 month and a half to do...when i finally took them in...all the residents were told they were for poking flowers into...that was my last adventure at the assisted living center
17. the only thing i remember about my 6th birthday party at chuck e. cheeses is putting red pepper flakes in my brother and his friend that he was allowed to bring's pizza...and then also in their drinks because i knew as soon as they ate the pizza theyd need to cool it off by sipping some coke...im still pretty proud of this somewhat evil genius
18. i LOVE LOVE LOVE news magazine shows...i cant get enough of dateline, 48 hours, 20/20, and 60 minutes...
19. amaretto ice cream with pop rocks=HEAVEN
20. i add/remove names for my future children based on the feelngs i have about the people i come into contact with from day to day (i.e. in kindegarden there was a girl named tina who took my lunch money everyday...therefore i will not be naming my daughter tina...on the same note, i have never met a sarah that i didnt like)
21. at sports camp in 5th grade i decided to sign up for gymnastics and i was so uncoordinated that the coach by the 1st session of the 3rd day gave me my own mat in the corner so i could "work at my own pace"...i didnt even get to play in the foam block pit...bitter still? a little
22. i can do a MAD toe touch...and i havent cheered a day in my life
there ya have it folks...22 uncommonly known facts about yours truly...ill get back to regular posting tomorrow....
hope you enjoyed
HAPPY OCTOBER 26th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10.25.2009
its been a while...
i love my daddy so much
i wont go into all the reasons why bc i know that he reads this and since im going home next weekend he will think im trying to earn some points...which im not...so ill just save most of the reasons for another post
i will say though that one of the reasons is because he never fails to put things in perspective...he always has some wise advice to give (yea daddy, i know youre rolling your eyes right now) and even when i dont agree with him he at least leaves me with something to think about
one of the greatest things he has given me in the perspective category is teaching me to think things through the way that i see them going in my mind...i dont always succeed at this but i try really hard...and im getting better at it
this advice was helpful just moments ago
you may...or may not...have noticed my blogging absence the last few days...
but it has happened even if you havent noticed
the reason is this:
in the last week...i believe my mental state has felt almost every negative emotion a human can feel...im not completely sure of the reasoning for this but i have my guesses
ive been lonely, angry, bitter, sad, upset, confused, desperate, empty, broken....the list goes on
this is especially scary to me because of the struggle with depression last year...
and no matter what all of my very loving caring well meaning amazing super fabulous supportive friends said...nothing seemed to make it go away
ive been in prayer...
ive gone before God...
ive waited and tried to listen
only to feel like i had no Voice to listen too
this weekend...actually just yesterday...was the climax to this probably
with my friends all spending time with their families and me giving into the confines of my room...i was left to just me and my thoughts
just to catch you up:
person with diagnosed depressive tendancies+emotionally draining week+no one around to balance things out (even if only for a day)+being in the same space for almost 24 hours straight=no good product
i realize that my parents/friends get worried about me when im like this...and it stresses them out to the max (especially mom and pops) when they arent around to do anything about it...but know this: this is a battle that im not fighting alone...its not even a battle because its already been won...its a struggle that, while maybe not fair at points, is something im willing to fight...because i know that somewhere out there...somewhere at the end of this storm....is a rainbow...as corny/cliche as it may be to say that...
God isnt done with me yet...and apparently this storm...while alot calmer than last feb...is not over either
ok so back to the dad advice coming in
i reached a point last night/earlier this morning where i, if just for a moment, thought about walking away...
from God....
i thought about just seeing what it was like to put my Bible in my closet and not pay attention to its presence for a while...
maybe deleting about 80% of my music library and its worship/christian feel
maybe giving away...or throwing away...100% of the books i own
you know...just to see if life would be any different...if i couldnt do just as ok by myself...
i wasnt planning on walking away for good....maybe
but just taking a test drive sort of...
i never exactly made a cemented decision though...
it was just a thought
ok so fast forward to about 9:30 am this morning...
i got ZERO sleep last night but was really awake about 7:30 so i decided to grab my marketing book and my notes and head to starbucks because even i knew at this point that i needed to get out of the apartment and studying here never works very well anyway
i got a really delicious coffee and started what turned into about an hour and a halfish of studying until a bus of families came in and lets face it...even with my adderall...i can only handle so much
so i decided to make my exit and just stop fighting the distraction...so back to my apartment i headed
as i got into my car...there it was
my dads voice
and "the look"
its a look that im not sure if he gives anyone else...but i know it well
the "what im about to say is going to seem very basic and shallow and i will say it with you not expecting much more than a face level question but i have a point and in a second when you realize the point you will be so floored that you can do nothing but allow the point to wander about in your thoughts until the moment when its stayed there long enough for you to realize im right and you arent"
the question i could hear so clearly it was as if he was right beside me was "ok kate (with his lips kind of stuck together and pulled in and his forehead wrinkled and eyebrows raised) go ahead and walk away from this whole faith thing...what exactly would your life look like then?"
BAM
speechless
it wouldnt look like anything...
it wouldnt be anything
i wouldnt know what to do
i would have to just stay in bed because i dont know what the first thing i would start doing everyday would be
i would be confused
i wouldnt even begin to know how to start living
my world would be completely out of whack
i wouldnt be able to function
i wount want to function
i absolutely believe that God uses glimpses of growth to not just draw me near...but keep me there
and in that moment...i saw a glimpse
God just kind of winking at me...
nudging me with His Love
last year when i read francis chan's book crazy love one of the questions that he posed fairly early on really impacted me...it affected me deeply...it messed with my heart...it explored my soul
the question:
what would your life look like if Jesus Christ didnt exist?...and therefore if you didnt have your faith...
for the few months following that i was hurt...hurt because i realized that besides my sundays freeing up and listening to a little bit of different music and going to a different section in the bookstore and me not being able to have the same summer job (christian camp minus the christian stuff=no reason for camp to exist...BUMMER) i didnt feel very much like my life would be alot different
maybe that makes you kind of flinch for me
or think less of me
maybe that resinates with you
maybe you arent sure what to think about it
maybe it bothers you because the same thing is true in your life
maybe you cant identify with that at all
maybe you have never ever thought about walking away...
maybe you think about doing it every day
maybe thats a little bit too much honesty for you...
....all of those might be true...but my life and my story should point to God and make Him look as Incredible as He is...and if i dont share the really crappy honest stuff about my story and show the really broken side...then His glory gets the short end of this...and i am absolutely not ok with that...and you shouldnt be either
i was ashamed about feeling that way...i mean...i was in leadership at caa...i was a pastors kid...i dont remember ever not being a "christian"...i have christian friends...i try to live my life for God well...and so if something like Him not existing wont change my life...whose life would it change???
i guess sooner or later that question got filed in the "things that bother me if i think about them too much so i wont" file and i just kind of let it go at that
until 9:30(ish) when i heard my dad ask the question...and i realized that now...i feel like my entire life would change...it would change so much i would have no idea how to live...i wouldnt even know how to get up in the morning...i would be devestated without the hope i know constantly...i wouldnt be willing to fight for anything because i would suddenly not know what i was fighting for...i wouldnt be willing to love just about anyone because i would see no point...i wouldnt even know what love was really...i would not only be without answers...i would be without a teacher to ask...i would be empty with no one to fill me up in a way that satisfied...i would see no reason to live...i would have nothing to talk about....i would have no bigger picture....i would have....nothing
and that was my glimpse...in a little over a year...ive gone from feeling like i had a really bad answer to a great thought to feeling like i had THE answer to the question that stemmed from a not so great thought...
Praise God...
thanks dad
Thanks Dad
for now...thats enough...maybe more later
oh except ps.
MY AUNT IS A BEAST...AS WE SPEAK (ER, AS I WRITE) SHE IS COMPLETING THE SUSAN G. KOMEN 3 DAY BREAST CANCER WALK...60 MILES IN 3 DAYS...SHE IS MY HERO
I LOVE YOU AUNT LANEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she also reads my posts everytime i put one up and always texts me or facebooks me and tells me how great it is and how much she loves it...shes my hero even more for that
(ill let you guess which one is related to my dad...:)
i wont go into all the reasons why bc i know that he reads this and since im going home next weekend he will think im trying to earn some points...which im not...so ill just save most of the reasons for another post
i will say though that one of the reasons is because he never fails to put things in perspective...he always has some wise advice to give (yea daddy, i know youre rolling your eyes right now) and even when i dont agree with him he at least leaves me with something to think about
one of the greatest things he has given me in the perspective category is teaching me to think things through the way that i see them going in my mind...i dont always succeed at this but i try really hard...and im getting better at it
this advice was helpful just moments ago
you may...or may not...have noticed my blogging absence the last few days...
but it has happened even if you havent noticed
the reason is this:
in the last week...i believe my mental state has felt almost every negative emotion a human can feel...im not completely sure of the reasoning for this but i have my guesses
ive been lonely, angry, bitter, sad, upset, confused, desperate, empty, broken....the list goes on
this is especially scary to me because of the struggle with depression last year...
and no matter what all of my very loving caring well meaning amazing super fabulous supportive friends said...nothing seemed to make it go away
ive been in prayer...
ive gone before God...
ive waited and tried to listen
only to feel like i had no Voice to listen too
this weekend...actually just yesterday...was the climax to this probably
with my friends all spending time with their families and me giving into the confines of my room...i was left to just me and my thoughts
just to catch you up:
person with diagnosed depressive tendancies+emotionally draining week+no one around to balance things out (even if only for a day)+being in the same space for almost 24 hours straight=no good product
i realize that my parents/friends get worried about me when im like this...and it stresses them out to the max (especially mom and pops) when they arent around to do anything about it...but know this: this is a battle that im not fighting alone...its not even a battle because its already been won...its a struggle that, while maybe not fair at points, is something im willing to fight...because i know that somewhere out there...somewhere at the end of this storm....is a rainbow...as corny/cliche as it may be to say that...
God isnt done with me yet...and apparently this storm...while alot calmer than last feb...is not over either
ok so back to the dad advice coming in
i reached a point last night/earlier this morning where i, if just for a moment, thought about walking away...
from God....
i thought about just seeing what it was like to put my Bible in my closet and not pay attention to its presence for a while...
maybe deleting about 80% of my music library and its worship/christian feel
maybe giving away...or throwing away...100% of the books i own
you know...just to see if life would be any different...if i couldnt do just as ok by myself...
i wasnt planning on walking away for good....maybe
but just taking a test drive sort of...
i never exactly made a cemented decision though...
it was just a thought
ok so fast forward to about 9:30 am this morning...
i got ZERO sleep last night but was really awake about 7:30 so i decided to grab my marketing book and my notes and head to starbucks because even i knew at this point that i needed to get out of the apartment and studying here never works very well anyway
i got a really delicious coffee and started what turned into about an hour and a halfish of studying until a bus of families came in and lets face it...even with my adderall...i can only handle so much
so i decided to make my exit and just stop fighting the distraction...so back to my apartment i headed
as i got into my car...there it was
my dads voice
and "the look"
its a look that im not sure if he gives anyone else...but i know it well
the "what im about to say is going to seem very basic and shallow and i will say it with you not expecting much more than a face level question but i have a point and in a second when you realize the point you will be so floored that you can do nothing but allow the point to wander about in your thoughts until the moment when its stayed there long enough for you to realize im right and you arent"
the question i could hear so clearly it was as if he was right beside me was "ok kate (with his lips kind of stuck together and pulled in and his forehead wrinkled and eyebrows raised) go ahead and walk away from this whole faith thing...what exactly would your life look like then?"
BAM
speechless
it wouldnt look like anything...
it wouldnt be anything
i wouldnt know what to do
i would have to just stay in bed because i dont know what the first thing i would start doing everyday would be
i would be confused
i wouldnt even begin to know how to start living
my world would be completely out of whack
i wouldnt be able to function
i wount want to function
i absolutely believe that God uses glimpses of growth to not just draw me near...but keep me there
and in that moment...i saw a glimpse
God just kind of winking at me...
nudging me with His Love
last year when i read francis chan's book crazy love one of the questions that he posed fairly early on really impacted me...it affected me deeply...it messed with my heart...it explored my soul
the question:
what would your life look like if Jesus Christ didnt exist?...and therefore if you didnt have your faith...
for the few months following that i was hurt...hurt because i realized that besides my sundays freeing up and listening to a little bit of different music and going to a different section in the bookstore and me not being able to have the same summer job (christian camp minus the christian stuff=no reason for camp to exist...BUMMER) i didnt feel very much like my life would be alot different
maybe that makes you kind of flinch for me
or think less of me
maybe that resinates with you
maybe you arent sure what to think about it
maybe it bothers you because the same thing is true in your life
maybe you cant identify with that at all
maybe you have never ever thought about walking away...
maybe you think about doing it every day
maybe thats a little bit too much honesty for you...
....all of those might be true...but my life and my story should point to God and make Him look as Incredible as He is...and if i dont share the really crappy honest stuff about my story and show the really broken side...then His glory gets the short end of this...and i am absolutely not ok with that...and you shouldnt be either
i was ashamed about feeling that way...i mean...i was in leadership at caa...i was a pastors kid...i dont remember ever not being a "christian"...i have christian friends...i try to live my life for God well...and so if something like Him not existing wont change my life...whose life would it change???
i guess sooner or later that question got filed in the "things that bother me if i think about them too much so i wont" file and i just kind of let it go at that
until 9:30(ish) when i heard my dad ask the question...and i realized that now...i feel like my entire life would change...it would change so much i would have no idea how to live...i wouldnt even know how to get up in the morning...i would be devestated without the hope i know constantly...i wouldnt be willing to fight for anything because i would suddenly not know what i was fighting for...i wouldnt be willing to love just about anyone because i would see no point...i wouldnt even know what love was really...i would not only be without answers...i would be without a teacher to ask...i would be empty with no one to fill me up in a way that satisfied...i would see no reason to live...i would have nothing to talk about....i would have no bigger picture....i would have....nothing
and that was my glimpse...in a little over a year...ive gone from feeling like i had a really bad answer to a great thought to feeling like i had THE answer to the question that stemmed from a not so great thought...
Praise God...
thanks dad
Thanks Dad
for now...thats enough...maybe more later
oh except ps.
MY AUNT IS A BEAST...AS WE SPEAK (ER, AS I WRITE) SHE IS COMPLETING THE SUSAN G. KOMEN 3 DAY BREAST CANCER WALK...60 MILES IN 3 DAYS...SHE IS MY HERO
I LOVE YOU AUNT LANEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she also reads my posts everytime i put one up and always texts me or facebooks me and tells me how great it is and how much she loves it...shes my hero even more for that
(ill let you guess which one is related to my dad...:)
10.21.2009
you better thank God for that...
pretty much if you have read any of this blog at all youve read about some pretty important folks in my life
kathleen maggie sarah and and emmalyn
ive mentioned how great they are...how they do really great stuff for me...how they love me alot...ive put some pictures of them and maybe mentioned a few humorous things theyve done or said
i talk about them alot for a couple of reasons:
1. i dont have alot of friends right now...they arent the only friends i have here...i definitely have her too...but...they are the ones i spend the most time with
2. (the more important reason) they have taught me alot and im proud of them....so very proud
i couldnt put my finger on it until the other night but i now think that i know one of the reasons that they have meant so much to me:
they have been an absolute portrait of grace
they have had to put up with some real stubborn moments of mine
they have done everything they could to try and help me with stuff and in my hardheadedness not wanting to be a charity and depend on people i have tried everything to turn them away, even when i wanted their help
they have so very seriously gone above and beyond anything i could want or expect
they forgive and forgive and forgive
they all have such incredible qualities and are really truly honestly unlike any other friends ive ever had
they arent perfect
not by a long shot
they do really dumb things
they screw up
they make mistakes
they have flaws
im not blind to any of those facts....
but it doesnt make me any less proud of them as individuals or friends
i still always want to talk to them
talk about them
spend time with them
love on them
have them in my life
this does nothing but push me to Christ because i realize this is EXACTLY (times 10000000) how He feels about me...
and you...
and us....
He is of course not blind to the reality that we are far far far far far from perfect
but He has seen our heart...our love...He knows our potential...He knows what lies within us...and He is so proud
He constantly wants to talk to us
talk about us
spend time with us
love on us
have us around...
just like when i screw up and feel like that makes kathleen or sarah or maggie or emmalyn not want to hang out with me anymore and they just laugh and go...uh huh...yea right...you arent going to get rid of us that easily
kathleen maggie sarah and and emmalyn
ive mentioned how great they are...how they do really great stuff for me...how they love me alot...ive put some pictures of them and maybe mentioned a few humorous things theyve done or said
i talk about them alot for a couple of reasons:
1. i dont have alot of friends right now...they arent the only friends i have here...i definitely have her too...but...they are the ones i spend the most time with
2. (the more important reason) they have taught me alot and im proud of them....so very proud
i couldnt put my finger on it until the other night but i now think that i know one of the reasons that they have meant so much to me:
they have been an absolute portrait of grace
they have had to put up with some real stubborn moments of mine
they have done everything they could to try and help me with stuff and in my hardheadedness not wanting to be a charity and depend on people i have tried everything to turn them away, even when i wanted their help
they have so very seriously gone above and beyond anything i could want or expect
they forgive and forgive and forgive
they all have such incredible qualities and are really truly honestly unlike any other friends ive ever had
they arent perfect
not by a long shot
they do really dumb things
they screw up
they make mistakes
they have flaws
im not blind to any of those facts....
but it doesnt make me any less proud of them as individuals or friends
i still always want to talk to them
talk about them
spend time with them
love on them
have them in my life
this does nothing but push me to Christ because i realize this is EXACTLY (times 10000000) how He feels about me...
and you...
and us....
He is of course not blind to the reality that we are far far far far far from perfect
but He has seen our heart...our love...He knows our potential...He knows what lies within us...and He is so proud
He constantly wants to talk to us
talk about us
spend time with us
love on us
have us around...
just like when i screw up and feel like that makes kathleen or sarah or maggie or emmalyn not want to hang out with me anymore and they just laugh and go...uh huh...yea right...you arent going to get rid of us that easily
God looks at me the same way and says....come on kate, youre gonna have to do alot more than that to run Me off...and then He just pulls me closer
and i then can only look at Him...and them...with tears in my eyes....in speechless awe...of anyone having that much love for me
dave barnes says it better:
Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed
She would never try to scould me
She knows the words that work instead
I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch
Grace's amazing hands, they're ugly
They're bruised by the blows that I've blown
She knows well I don't desreve her
She laughs and says
"Thats the way love goes"
I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch
What did I do, hey yeah baby
What did I say
For love to smile down on me
And show me amazing grace
Show me amazing grace
Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed
10.19.2009
this weekend in pictures
these are most definitely not anywhere close to all the birthday pictures...but theyre my favorites..and they pretty much all have me in them...because im vain like that (kidding)....but for real
kevin being born...that would be my new friend kenny stuffing him
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sarah and i BOTH like this picture...EPIC
look at how way creative my friends are :)
kevin being born...that would be my new friend kenny stuffing him
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me and maggity mags at 4 a.m. after birthday stuff/e.r., that being said...i think its a pretty great picture
i look like a pirate...and i love kathleens face
yes actually, i was lining up a putt in mini-golf...
this is closer to what our real relationship is like
this is when kathleen and i started our string of 2's....we were stoked
i cant decide why i like this picture
this is really just because i know that my parents read this on occasion...or daily...and i know they would be so proud of their little girl growing up to make pirate faces, line up mini golf putts, eat cookies at 4am after an er visit, wear glow sticks on my head, and making friends at build a bear while getting a birthday present :)
Love wins...again
so life isnt perfect.
thats a fact that is made pretty clear to me everyday. in lots of ways.
but today, up until this moment, 11:18 a.m....
today has been about as perfect as i could make it
class at 8 was ok...certainly not enjoyable...but i was really thankful that i at least have the freedom and capability to be in school right now...not everyone does
i can read and write and listen and see and speak and share...again, not something that every person can do for one reason or another
after class i went to starbucks and grabbed a white chocolate mocha and a pumpkin spice latte.
sarah and i are both stubborn
we both want it our way.
we both would rather focus on our friends and their awesomeness than looking at the idea that maybe we are pretty ok too
we both hate admitting wrongness
we both dont like to listen to someone tell us something we already know, especially if its about ourselves
we both care about each other a tremendous amount
we have one of the most unique friendships ive ever experienced
a combination of all or at least some of these leads to little...bumps...i guess thats the right word
we get into them quite often...and they affect people around us
i recognize this isnt always healthy and i realize it leaves people around us not knowing exactly what to say or do...
it usually ends in me or her walking away for at least a few minutes
but i love her so much
and she loves me back
and so after we have had our time to cool down, we end up talking about it...maybe not the way anyone else would...it might be through a look...or a text...or a pumpkin spice latte...but we get through it
and whats on the other side of those little bumps always makes me feel so...good with life
for lack of a better phrase
this morning was no exception...
last night...we had a little bump...this time...it was me walking away...we talked a little last night and things were a little better...but i could tell that even though i was clearing the hill of my emotion...she needed some more time to linger...which is fine, because sometimes...i need that too
so when i thought about getting coffee this morning...it seemed the only thing to do to get her one too...
so i texted her to tell her not to make her usual cup and that i would bring her one instead
which i did...and since i had parked right outside her dorm i told her id drive her to class
so after a quick good morning i love you guys to maggie and kathleen...we headed to the car
we left at the normal time that sarah leaves for class which of course was silly because we were driving...not walking....so we ended up next to her classroom building 20 mins early
which was the perfect amount of time to talk
we joked a little...had some small talk and almost barely mentioned last night with the exception of about a half block of driving...
but the best part...
when she got out of the car to go to class...
she said i love you...
thats not unusual for us at all
we say i love you all the time
but it was because we both knew that that i love you was for real...and that what that i love you means is you mean more to me than a stupid bump...we make it...we always do...we always get over it together...we fight with each other..but we fight FOR each other...
its almost as if we fight...against the fight
we know that what God has given us in each other is more important and better and bigger and greater than not understanding why one of us says something a certain way...or why one of us does something so often...or what has happened before...or anything
it probably isnt surprising to you if you read this blog very often or if you know me very well or both that i see God and me in this...
i get upset with God sometimes...not that i have a right too...but it happens
i yell occasionally
sometimes i have to "take 5" from Him
i say things to Him that i dont mean...things i would never mean
i know i hurt Him with stuff that i do and say
it all happens alot more often than it should...
but just like sarah and i reach this point where it doesnt matter how irrational or dumb the other one is being...one of us always knows that we arent going to give up on the other one...we have too much hope in who the other one is...but unlike me and sarah...that role doesnt rotate with God and me...i do all that stuff...and not only does God not do it back...He never even considers giving up on me...He should...He definitely should...He has more than enough reason if He wanted to...but He doesnt...He knows what i can become...what i will become...and He isnt willing to give up on that...
thank God
He isnt willing to give up on me...
He looks at me when He knows im ready and just says hey...I love you...
and then He smiles...and gives me a nudge...
just between friends :)
thats a fact that is made pretty clear to me everyday. in lots of ways.
but today, up until this moment, 11:18 a.m....
today has been about as perfect as i could make it
class at 8 was ok...certainly not enjoyable...but i was really thankful that i at least have the freedom and capability to be in school right now...not everyone does
i can read and write and listen and see and speak and share...again, not something that every person can do for one reason or another
after class i went to starbucks and grabbed a white chocolate mocha and a pumpkin spice latte.
sarah and i are both stubborn
we both want it our way.
we both would rather focus on our friends and their awesomeness than looking at the idea that maybe we are pretty ok too
we both hate admitting wrongness
we both dont like to listen to someone tell us something we already know, especially if its about ourselves
we both care about each other a tremendous amount
we have one of the most unique friendships ive ever experienced
a combination of all or at least some of these leads to little...bumps...i guess thats the right word
we get into them quite often...and they affect people around us
i recognize this isnt always healthy and i realize it leaves people around us not knowing exactly what to say or do...
it usually ends in me or her walking away for at least a few minutes
but i love her so much
and she loves me back
and so after we have had our time to cool down, we end up talking about it...maybe not the way anyone else would...it might be through a look...or a text...or a pumpkin spice latte...but we get through it
and whats on the other side of those little bumps always makes me feel so...good with life
for lack of a better phrase
this morning was no exception...
last night...we had a little bump...this time...it was me walking away...we talked a little last night and things were a little better...but i could tell that even though i was clearing the hill of my emotion...she needed some more time to linger...which is fine, because sometimes...i need that too
so when i thought about getting coffee this morning...it seemed the only thing to do to get her one too...
so i texted her to tell her not to make her usual cup and that i would bring her one instead
which i did...and since i had parked right outside her dorm i told her id drive her to class
so after a quick good morning i love you guys to maggie and kathleen...we headed to the car
we left at the normal time that sarah leaves for class which of course was silly because we were driving...not walking....so we ended up next to her classroom building 20 mins early
which was the perfect amount of time to talk
we joked a little...had some small talk and almost barely mentioned last night with the exception of about a half block of driving...
but the best part...
when she got out of the car to go to class...
she said i love you...
thats not unusual for us at all
we say i love you all the time
but it was because we both knew that that i love you was for real...and that what that i love you means is you mean more to me than a stupid bump...we make it...we always do...we always get over it together...we fight with each other..but we fight FOR each other...
its almost as if we fight...against the fight
we know that what God has given us in each other is more important and better and bigger and greater than not understanding why one of us says something a certain way...or why one of us does something so often...or what has happened before...or anything
it probably isnt surprising to you if you read this blog very often or if you know me very well or both that i see God and me in this...
i get upset with God sometimes...not that i have a right too...but it happens
i yell occasionally
sometimes i have to "take 5" from Him
i say things to Him that i dont mean...things i would never mean
i know i hurt Him with stuff that i do and say
it all happens alot more often than it should...
but just like sarah and i reach this point where it doesnt matter how irrational or dumb the other one is being...one of us always knows that we arent going to give up on the other one...we have too much hope in who the other one is...but unlike me and sarah...that role doesnt rotate with God and me...i do all that stuff...and not only does God not do it back...He never even considers giving up on me...He should...He definitely should...He has more than enough reason if He wanted to...but He doesnt...He knows what i can become...what i will become...and He isnt willing to give up on that...
thank God
He isnt willing to give up on me...
He looks at me when He knows im ready and just says hey...I love you...
and then He smiles...and gives me a nudge...
just between friends :)
10.18.2009
a birthday blog part 1
this has without a doubt been the most unique birthday celebrating experience i have ever had...
and if im picking up on my not so subtle context clues from the members of foundation 349/350, it isnt over yet
my birthday has always been a really big deal to me...its what i wait and wait and wait for all year long...and almost as soon as its over, i begin to build excitement for the next one
this year has been different though, im not really sure why but maybe a combination of me getting older and moving to a brand new place and being surrounded by new people and things has made it more of a day that im dreading then a day that i wait for
ive given kathleen sarah maggie and emmalyn a really hard time about promising me there wouldnt be a big deal made about it...
im so very thankful that they havent listened to me...
they are quickly becoming those friends that seem to know me better than i know myself sometimes...another reason i love them so much
so about a month ago sarah got a hold of my life to do list...things i wrote down last year that havent happened or been done yet that i want accomplished at some point...some of them are really simple things...learning a dance or something like that...some of them are bigger things...give away a whole paychek...witness a miracle...those kinds of rarities...
she quickly made the decision that she was going to attempt to knock a few of those out on this birthday...
one of them being that ive never had a for real teddy bear...mostly because it was hard when i was younger to find one that wouldnt make me itch and that i wasnt allergic too...
on friday night they invited me to go out to dinner and watch a movie with them to celebrate kathleen being in town this weekend and because weve all been a little stressed with school lately and it would make for a few moments of much needed relief...this is not at all an irregular occurence for me to be invited to dinner plus something else with them...i mean i am basically with them anywhere between 4 and 14 hours a day everyday...
the only thing was that my friend suzy called and wanted me to go to dinner as well...i decided that since i eat dinner with them all the time that one dinner and movie with suz instead wouldnt be a big deal...the only thing that failed to come into my mind was that it is near my birthday and who wouldve thought that perhaps my friends would be trying to surprise me with a birthday dinner and movie??? not i said the little birdie
after they all got abnormally upset when i went to dinner with suz i started thinking and began to wonder if something was supposed to have happened...so i texted them and realized that i had indeed ruined a birthday surprise by going to dinner with suz
they told me not to worry and just to enjoy my time with her but i still felt like a big jerk...
i was really convinced that i had ruined any chance of a birthday surprise
until i got back to the dorm that night and they said we were going to watch toy story...the exitement that insued would only make sense if you understand my love for toy story...which you probably dont so...just know that i was really really really excited
they told me not to make plans for saturday because we were going to be hanging out (as usual) and then maybe going to dinner downtown or something last night
they told me to be ready about lunch time and we could go to wal mart to get some stuff and then grab lunch and hang out until dinner
i was ready when told yesterday morning and got picked up to go to wal mart...after leaving we went through another very common place for us...the zaxbys drive thru where sarah beach quickly convescated my debit card and told me not to worry about anything...i then thought our next stop was going to be foundation until sarah made a turn and i saw on the gps that the next turn wasnt for another 28.9 miles...this is when i began to suspect something was up
i was then handed toy story crayons...paper to color on...and play doh to play with in case i started to get nervous
about 20 mins later i was blindfolded and told just to trust them
when the blindfold was removed i was standing in front of a mall and told this was "phase 1"... i was also told that i had no option but to participate in whatever was about to go down....nervous and excited and confused were pretty much the only emotions i had room for
we walked all the way through the mall and ended up at lunar golf..a glow in the dark putt putt place....how way freakin cool...we even got glow in the dark necklaces/halos...i was stoked but a little concerned that if i started losing and my competitiveness came out this whole even might just turn ugly
thankfully i had my close to "a" game on and losing wasnt in the cards...so everything was super fun and we took lots of glowing pictures and had some really great laughs...a wonderful time was had
i was then taken out to the rodeo for the drive to phase 2...and then again was blindfolded...when the blindfold was removed we were in front of build a bear workshop where i was informed that i was going to get to go pick out a bear and an outfit....anything i wanted....stoked doesnt even begin to describe how i felt about this.....
i almost immediately saw the bear that i knew i had to have...the outfit quickly followed
and if im picking up on my not so subtle context clues from the members of foundation 349/350, it isnt over yet
my birthday has always been a really big deal to me...its what i wait and wait and wait for all year long...and almost as soon as its over, i begin to build excitement for the next one
this year has been different though, im not really sure why but maybe a combination of me getting older and moving to a brand new place and being surrounded by new people and things has made it more of a day that im dreading then a day that i wait for
ive given kathleen sarah maggie and emmalyn a really hard time about promising me there wouldnt be a big deal made about it...
im so very thankful that they havent listened to me...
they are quickly becoming those friends that seem to know me better than i know myself sometimes...another reason i love them so much
so about a month ago sarah got a hold of my life to do list...things i wrote down last year that havent happened or been done yet that i want accomplished at some point...some of them are really simple things...learning a dance or something like that...some of them are bigger things...give away a whole paychek...witness a miracle...those kinds of rarities...
she quickly made the decision that she was going to attempt to knock a few of those out on this birthday...
one of them being that ive never had a for real teddy bear...mostly because it was hard when i was younger to find one that wouldnt make me itch and that i wasnt allergic too...
on friday night they invited me to go out to dinner and watch a movie with them to celebrate kathleen being in town this weekend and because weve all been a little stressed with school lately and it would make for a few moments of much needed relief...this is not at all an irregular occurence for me to be invited to dinner plus something else with them...i mean i am basically with them anywhere between 4 and 14 hours a day everyday...
the only thing was that my friend suzy called and wanted me to go to dinner as well...i decided that since i eat dinner with them all the time that one dinner and movie with suz instead wouldnt be a big deal...the only thing that failed to come into my mind was that it is near my birthday and who wouldve thought that perhaps my friends would be trying to surprise me with a birthday dinner and movie??? not i said the little birdie
after they all got abnormally upset when i went to dinner with suz i started thinking and began to wonder if something was supposed to have happened...so i texted them and realized that i had indeed ruined a birthday surprise by going to dinner with suz
they told me not to worry and just to enjoy my time with her but i still felt like a big jerk...
i was really convinced that i had ruined any chance of a birthday surprise
until i got back to the dorm that night and they said we were going to watch toy story...the exitement that insued would only make sense if you understand my love for toy story...which you probably dont so...just know that i was really really really excited
they told me not to make plans for saturday because we were going to be hanging out (as usual) and then maybe going to dinner downtown or something last night
they told me to be ready about lunch time and we could go to wal mart to get some stuff and then grab lunch and hang out until dinner
i was ready when told yesterday morning and got picked up to go to wal mart...after leaving we went through another very common place for us...the zaxbys drive thru where sarah beach quickly convescated my debit card and told me not to worry about anything...i then thought our next stop was going to be foundation until sarah made a turn and i saw on the gps that the next turn wasnt for another 28.9 miles...this is when i began to suspect something was up
i was then handed toy story crayons...paper to color on...and play doh to play with in case i started to get nervous
about 20 mins later i was blindfolded and told just to trust them
when the blindfold was removed i was standing in front of a mall and told this was "phase 1"... i was also told that i had no option but to participate in whatever was about to go down....nervous and excited and confused were pretty much the only emotions i had room for
we walked all the way through the mall and ended up at lunar golf..a glow in the dark putt putt place....how way freakin cool...we even got glow in the dark necklaces/halos...i was stoked but a little concerned that if i started losing and my competitiveness came out this whole even might just turn ugly
thankfully i had my close to "a" game on and losing wasnt in the cards...so everything was super fun and we took lots of glowing pictures and had some really great laughs...a wonderful time was had
i was then taken out to the rodeo for the drive to phase 2...and then again was blindfolded...when the blindfold was removed we were in front of build a bear workshop where i was informed that i was going to get to go pick out a bear and an outfit....anything i wanted....stoked doesnt even begin to describe how i felt about this.....
i almost immediately saw the bear that i knew i had to have...the outfit quickly followed
this is by far the cutest most softest most cuddly bear i have ever seen in my life...he is named kevin...in honor of the ones who gave him to me....i am not even going on my bias though...there was a lady who stopped by our table in the restaurant last night (phase 3) and commented on just how cute he was...i was so proud
and yes...he did sit at the table with us
phase 3...cheddars...we were all hungry and dinner was most definitely a must...so we went to the restaurant that was closest to build a bear..i had a super great burger...and again...i wasnt allowed to pay
which brings us to phase 4...which no one was expecting...what birthday dinner would be complete without the cheesy birthday dessert provided by the restaurant...this outing was no exception
the only problem was that the sudae they broght had nuts on top....which is not such a great thing since im HIGHLY allergic to peanuts
kathleen decided to scrape them off and then said i could just pick around the sides of the sundae...it looked awfully delicious so it sounded like an acceptable plan to me
almost as soon as i got the 2nd bite in my mouth i felt the crunch....and i knew almost suddenly what that crunch was..
the peanut crunch
i decided to share ths little fact with the rest of the table who all almost in unison began to freak out
you know...since technically peauts have the power of death over me and i think we could all hear the news healine "local student gets taken out for birthday and thn dies of peanut crunch from birthday dessert"
for some reason...that headline didnt sound so appealing
and as my lips cheeks and jaw began to numb suddenly that headline wasnt so appealing to me either
so against my advice of "just chancing it and coming back to milledgeville" they decided to take me to the e.r. again...a much better choice than what i wouldve made
we then spent the next 2 hours or so in e.r. doping me up on several different meds
and finishing up what most certainly can be labled the most eventful celebrations of a birthday to date
im absolutely one thousand percent convinced that i have the most incredible caring loving kind group of friends around...and im so honored and proud to be a part of their lives on such a regular daily basis...you may think im partial but if you experienced the love and unwavering awesomeness despite my hardheadedness and stubborness you would believe the very same thing....they stand by and support me...they give and give and give and give and give
God definitely, as usual, knew what He was doing when He so lovingly allowed my path to cross theirs for this part of my journey...just another way He has outdone Himself in proving and showing His devotion love and care for me....
i pray that one day you will get to experience the kind of amazing relationships that i am getting to right now...what a fantastic life
10.16.2009
10 days.
oh fridays
i dont normally have class on friday but this morning i had to go meet with my professor from the satellite class because she was going to be on our campus and wanted to introduce herself in person to all of us..
so i was up unusually early for a friday
(sidenote*-she remembered my voicemail greeting which is astounding not just because for someone you have never met to remember your voicemail greeting is awesome but also because she decided to share with the entire class plus the 2 classes from the other 2 satellite campuses about how funny she thought it was...can we just say highlight of my friday?!)
i did something i dont normally do...i checked my facebook first thing...i noticed that my friend abi pratt was online...this isnt unusal except yes it is because she is serving for a year overseas on a cruise ship doing ministry (jealous much? absolutely!) anyways...so i started facebook chatting with her for a few moments which was nice just because its always good to catch up, if even for a moment, with someone you love alot...about 5 minutes into this little cherade a thought occured:
what if this wasnt really abi?
what a silly thought huh?!
what if this person i was telling that i missed and loved and sharing things that only she and i understand wasnt really her at all....how did i know it really was anyway?!
this question of faith was spurred...
i click on a certain song in my itunes every morning and have an unbelievable faith that it will play...i mean if i click on the beatles and chris tomlin starts playing...thats confusing and annoying...and hasnt ever happened...and why would it? it isnt what i believe will happen...
i order a coke and burger from wendys and have complete faith that (97% of the time at least) that is exactly what im getting
i turn on the air conditioning in my car and expect the air to be cold it would be not good if the heat then came on
i go over to foundation 349/350 and expect that some combination of kathleen emmaly sarah and maggie will be there...it would be very odd and disappointing if i found some random boys who i dont know
you get the idea right?
i started thinking about all the tons of things that i do everyday that require faith on my part
and the whole reason i have faith in those things is because past experience has built a trust in each situation for me that whatever is supposed to happen with each of those events will happen because ive seen it happen before
but when it comes to God...He says if i have the faith of a mustard seed i can move mountains...and then all of a sudden, things get blurry
because we cant see God
what?!
thats insane!
the God of the universe...the Creator of all things...the Savior of the free world...the Father of man...The Way, The Truth, The Life...The One who has NEVER let me down....NEVER forsaken me...NEVER left my side...NEVER broken even a portion of His promises....the One who wakes me each morning and puts me to sleep each night...
says He has put His POWER INTO ME....He has given me His STRENGTH...He has given me the ability to move mountains....
i have the POWER of CHRIST IN ME...
and all of a sudden i cant handle that because i cant see Him?!
WHAT THE CRAP?!?!?!?! (can i say that?)
what in the world would change in my life...both day to day and in the bigger picture...if i lived acting out the faith in God that i apparently have in every other aspect of my life?!
what in the world would change about yours?
now of course i fully believe that it was indeed abi that i was talking to this morning...but i am now going to have to seriously look at and then re-evaluate the amount of faith im puting into trivial things such as my order at wendys if from now on i can not remember to try and live with the same amount (actually more) in my God...
on that note
enjoy your friday
and
rev daddy: i dont understand greek lessons left in comments on blogs...those apparently dont fit my learning style...but thanks for trying
i dont normally have class on friday but this morning i had to go meet with my professor from the satellite class because she was going to be on our campus and wanted to introduce herself in person to all of us..
so i was up unusually early for a friday
(sidenote*-she remembered my voicemail greeting which is astounding not just because for someone you have never met to remember your voicemail greeting is awesome but also because she decided to share with the entire class plus the 2 classes from the other 2 satellite campuses about how funny she thought it was...can we just say highlight of my friday?!)
i did something i dont normally do...i checked my facebook first thing...i noticed that my friend abi pratt was online...this isnt unusal except yes it is because she is serving for a year overseas on a cruise ship doing ministry (jealous much? absolutely!) anyways...so i started facebook chatting with her for a few moments which was nice just because its always good to catch up, if even for a moment, with someone you love alot...about 5 minutes into this little cherade a thought occured:
what if this wasnt really abi?
what a silly thought huh?!
what if this person i was telling that i missed and loved and sharing things that only she and i understand wasnt really her at all....how did i know it really was anyway?!
this question of faith was spurred...
i click on a certain song in my itunes every morning and have an unbelievable faith that it will play...i mean if i click on the beatles and chris tomlin starts playing...thats confusing and annoying...and hasnt ever happened...and why would it? it isnt what i believe will happen...
i order a coke and burger from wendys and have complete faith that (97% of the time at least) that is exactly what im getting
i turn on the air conditioning in my car and expect the air to be cold it would be not good if the heat then came on
i go over to foundation 349/350 and expect that some combination of kathleen emmaly sarah and maggie will be there...it would be very odd and disappointing if i found some random boys who i dont know
you get the idea right?
i started thinking about all the tons of things that i do everyday that require faith on my part
and the whole reason i have faith in those things is because past experience has built a trust in each situation for me that whatever is supposed to happen with each of those events will happen because ive seen it happen before
but when it comes to God...He says if i have the faith of a mustard seed i can move mountains...and then all of a sudden, things get blurry
because we cant see God
what?!
thats insane!
the God of the universe...the Creator of all things...the Savior of the free world...the Father of man...The Way, The Truth, The Life...The One who has NEVER let me down....NEVER forsaken me...NEVER left my side...NEVER broken even a portion of His promises....the One who wakes me each morning and puts me to sleep each night...
says He has put His POWER INTO ME....He has given me His STRENGTH...He has given me the ability to move mountains....
i have the POWER of CHRIST IN ME...
and all of a sudden i cant handle that because i cant see Him?!
WHAT THE CRAP?!?!?!?! (can i say that?)
what in the world would change in my life...both day to day and in the bigger picture...if i lived acting out the faith in God that i apparently have in every other aspect of my life?!
what in the world would change about yours?
now of course i fully believe that it was indeed abi that i was talking to this morning...but i am now going to have to seriously look at and then re-evaluate the amount of faith im puting into trivial things such as my order at wendys if from now on i can not remember to try and live with the same amount (actually more) in my God...
on that note
enjoy your friday
and
rev daddy: i dont understand greek lessons left in comments on blogs...those apparently dont fit my learning style...but thanks for trying
10.15.2009
a story and an explanation
ok so i had this whole post written yesterday and the minute that i went to publish...the wireless for the entire apartment complex went down and just came up about an hour ago...so it wasnt for lack of trying that a post didnt happen yesterday
2 things ive been thinking about and want to get down...
1st:
jack. jack is the youngest son of the host family i lived with my first 2 summers at caa. they have 3 kids...john caroline and jack...in that order...i believe the ages were 6, 4, and 2 at the time i met them. so its no surprise that they spent a considerable amount of time at the neighborhood pool. john and caroline would go play in the "big" pool and jack and of his parents...on this occasion his dad, would sit and play in the "baby" pool. on this particular day jack decided that he wanted to start diving into the baby pool...needless to say this is a bad idea. brad (dad) immediately saw what was about to go down and grabbed jack back into his arms and told him not to do it...jack said ok and went and tried to do it again...again, brad grabbed him and told him it wasnt safe...at this point jack began to cry and fight as much as he could and yell because all he wanted to do was dive face first into that pool...brad clearly could see that this wasnt safe for jack and so he kept trying to explain to jack why it wasnt ok...but all jack would do was fight...so after about 5 mins of this not helping brad let him do it...and jack of course got hurt...not very much...because almost as soon as he hit the water brad had him up again...but he got hurt a little...and of course he started crying and immediately went back to brads arms where of course instead of saying...i told you so jack...i told you that was going to happen...see how i know so much more than you...dont bother looking to me for comfort i tried to stop you...brad just took him in his arms and lovingly whispered jack...daddy loves you and i dont like to see you get hurt...and that is why i was trying to stop you...and then continued to embrace jack as long as it took for the tears to stop...
i cant help but see God in this...how i fight and fight and fight to do what anyone who is looking in from the outside knows is going to hurt but i do it anyway...i fight and fight with God to please just give me what i want...and finally He lets me...and as soon as i hit the water, im back in His arms with Him embracing me and loving on me just whispering kate, I didnt want you to get hurt...thats why I didnt want you to do it...I was looking out for you...
im thankful for a Savior who doesnt say I told you so...but embraces the hurt instead
ok 2nd:
as i approach my 22nd birthday i remember my 21st...and what happened for my 21st...
the tattoo
i wanted to provide a little explanation for those of you who havent had a chance to hear it yourselves
before i say this please know that i am very aware that no one has gotten saved because i have permanent ink on my foot
its an igthus fish with the one of the greek words for hope in it
the greek bible has 3 different kinds of hope used...and only one of them is used just once...that one is the word that i have...its pronounced el pee zo...(in spanish it actually means floor so i think its kind of funny that i have the word floor on my foot)
that hope is a Godly hope...it has no negative implications..like i hope this will happen tomorrow but there is an implied it might not...its a hope that is almost a confidence...a knowing that it will happen...it just hasnt neccessarily happened yet
and since its inside the fish...and the fish normally represents Christ, the whole tattoo means i find my Hope in Christ
i learned alot last year and i know now and feel like i will continue to know that last year was a really big turning point for me as far as life direction...and no matter where i am in 20 or 30 years i dont want to ever forget it
i realize tattoo's arent for everyone...and that some people wont ever understand and therefore accept why i would want something so permanent...and thats ok...but its important to me...and it constantly serves as a reminder of my faith...
it has also opened up quite a few doors for conversation with people who either have tattoos themselves or think tattoos are cool over the last year that dont neccessarily like God...and its been cool to see them kind of be taken aback by the idea of a Christian having something so "rebellious" but still loving God...
i got the ink in greek because in order for people to figure out what it means they have to ask and listen for the answer...
again, much like God and i...i cant just ask God about something and then leave and expect that i know what the answer is just because ive asked...i must wait and listen...
ok so with that said...dinner is calling...so i hope you are having a great week...happy thursday :)
2 things ive been thinking about and want to get down...
1st:
jack. jack is the youngest son of the host family i lived with my first 2 summers at caa. they have 3 kids...john caroline and jack...in that order...i believe the ages were 6, 4, and 2 at the time i met them. so its no surprise that they spent a considerable amount of time at the neighborhood pool. john and caroline would go play in the "big" pool and jack and of his parents...on this occasion his dad, would sit and play in the "baby" pool. on this particular day jack decided that he wanted to start diving into the baby pool...needless to say this is a bad idea. brad (dad) immediately saw what was about to go down and grabbed jack back into his arms and told him not to do it...jack said ok and went and tried to do it again...again, brad grabbed him and told him it wasnt safe...at this point jack began to cry and fight as much as he could and yell because all he wanted to do was dive face first into that pool...brad clearly could see that this wasnt safe for jack and so he kept trying to explain to jack why it wasnt ok...but all jack would do was fight...so after about 5 mins of this not helping brad let him do it...and jack of course got hurt...not very much...because almost as soon as he hit the water brad had him up again...but he got hurt a little...and of course he started crying and immediately went back to brads arms where of course instead of saying...i told you so jack...i told you that was going to happen...see how i know so much more than you...dont bother looking to me for comfort i tried to stop you...brad just took him in his arms and lovingly whispered jack...daddy loves you and i dont like to see you get hurt...and that is why i was trying to stop you...and then continued to embrace jack as long as it took for the tears to stop...
i cant help but see God in this...how i fight and fight and fight to do what anyone who is looking in from the outside knows is going to hurt but i do it anyway...i fight and fight with God to please just give me what i want...and finally He lets me...and as soon as i hit the water, im back in His arms with Him embracing me and loving on me just whispering kate, I didnt want you to get hurt...thats why I didnt want you to do it...I was looking out for you...
im thankful for a Savior who doesnt say I told you so...but embraces the hurt instead
ok 2nd:
as i approach my 22nd birthday i remember my 21st...and what happened for my 21st...
the tattoo
i wanted to provide a little explanation for those of you who havent had a chance to hear it yourselves
before i say this please know that i am very aware that no one has gotten saved because i have permanent ink on my foot
its an igthus fish with the one of the greek words for hope in it
the greek bible has 3 different kinds of hope used...and only one of them is used just once...that one is the word that i have...its pronounced el pee zo...(in spanish it actually means floor so i think its kind of funny that i have the word floor on my foot)
that hope is a Godly hope...it has no negative implications..like i hope this will happen tomorrow but there is an implied it might not...its a hope that is almost a confidence...a knowing that it will happen...it just hasnt neccessarily happened yet
and since its inside the fish...and the fish normally represents Christ, the whole tattoo means i find my Hope in Christ
i learned alot last year and i know now and feel like i will continue to know that last year was a really big turning point for me as far as life direction...and no matter where i am in 20 or 30 years i dont want to ever forget it
i realize tattoo's arent for everyone...and that some people wont ever understand and therefore accept why i would want something so permanent...and thats ok...but its important to me...and it constantly serves as a reminder of my faith...
it has also opened up quite a few doors for conversation with people who either have tattoos themselves or think tattoos are cool over the last year that dont neccessarily like God...and its been cool to see them kind of be taken aback by the idea of a Christian having something so "rebellious" but still loving God...
i got the ink in greek because in order for people to figure out what it means they have to ask and listen for the answer...
again, much like God and i...i cant just ask God about something and then leave and expect that i know what the answer is just because ive asked...i must wait and listen...
ok so with that said...dinner is calling...so i hope you are having a great week...happy thursday :)
For Sarah, Maggie, Kathleen, and Emmalyn
ok so i realize that i have given you guys a bit of a hard time over this whole birthday thing...actually thats probably an understatement
so i decided to throw you kids a bone
so here is a little list of likes/dislikes :)
*i prefer to have an ethnically diverse cake-chocolate with white icing, strawberry with chocolate icing, white with strawberry...you get the idea
*i really like meaningful over practical
*all i really care about on my birthday is being with friends...any friends...as few or as many as will come...that is really the most important thing
*i dont like jewelry
*surprises are fun...no matter how much i deny it
*i like chapstick
*i like tshirts
*i like cherry coke
*i like books...but not fiction
*i like ice cream
*music, especially stuff not many people know about, makes me happy
*just say no to flowers
*balloons are better than flowers and cats but...not much higher than that
*peanuts are also a negatory...but i know you guys know that
*where is that picture of me and kathleen?
*i like colorful socks
*if it must be a practical gift...i like the as seen on tv gadgets
*please no more journals...i have 5 currently
*i dont like spicy
*oct would be a perfectly acceptable gift
*i dont like just plain chocolate
ok so i may add more to this later...but this is at least a start...i have no idea what you guys have up your sleeves and in this particular raw honest moment...im kind of excited about it
thank you guys so much for being such fantastic friends...i do really stupid things and you still love me and show it...you encourage me and support me and always include me even when you dont have to...thanks for wanting to make my first real birthday away from home a great one...despite all my stubborness about it :)
so i decided to throw you kids a bone
so here is a little list of likes/dislikes :)
*i prefer to have an ethnically diverse cake-chocolate with white icing, strawberry with chocolate icing, white with strawberry...you get the idea
*i really like meaningful over practical
*all i really care about on my birthday is being with friends...any friends...as few or as many as will come...that is really the most important thing
*i dont like jewelry
*surprises are fun...no matter how much i deny it
*i like chapstick
*i like tshirts
*i like cherry coke
*i like books...but not fiction
*i like ice cream
*music, especially stuff not many people know about, makes me happy
*just say no to flowers
*balloons are better than flowers and cats but...not much higher than that
*peanuts are also a negatory...but i know you guys know that
*where is that picture of me and kathleen?
*i like colorful socks
*if it must be a practical gift...i like the as seen on tv gadgets
*please no more journals...i have 5 currently
*i dont like spicy
*oct would be a perfectly acceptable gift
*i dont like just plain chocolate
ok so i may add more to this later...but this is at least a start...i have no idea what you guys have up your sleeves and in this particular raw honest moment...im kind of excited about it
thank you guys so much for being such fantastic friends...i do really stupid things and you still love me and show it...you encourage me and support me and always include me even when you dont have to...thanks for wanting to make my first real birthday away from home a great one...despite all my stubborness about it :)
10.13.2009
another bite of elephant...
im really tired right now so we'll see what kind of sense this will make today..but heres to hoping...
ive been really blessed the last couple of years to cross paths with some people that not only became friends but became people with whom i have shared a deep connection..
a connection that seems to spur long raw deep Christ centered conversations whenever we are in contact...conversations about what God is doing and teaching us and challenging us with...conversations that reveal lessons you are learning that you may not have even realized until vocalizing them in that exact moment...
for these connections and relationships i am so truly thankful...
miranda is one of those friends...and when we came together on friday our experience was quite the normal one for us (normal being that we always end up having one of the above mentioned conversations and friday was no exception)
i was talking to her about this blog actually and how it has begun to take me on this ride that ive never been on and its driving me crazy not to know whats next but how it seems like through this, somehow....in some way...somewhere...at some point...God is using/will use this for something different or more or bigger or....somehow...
ive just had all these people come out of the woodwork, some that i have never met...some that its been a really long time...and tell me that they read this and it impacts them...
ive had all of these lessons that ive learned and things that God has and continues to reveal to me planted so deep in my soul that they feel like theyve been there forever and, while i would be lying if i said i hadnt toyed with the idea of writing a book about all of the crazy insane things that have happened to me in the past, to actually publish your thoughts from this moment, this day, this time...and have other people...any people...read them at all but certainly read them and be affected by them...is insane...at least if they are my words they are...sure rob bell...francis chan...louie giglio...donald miller...definitely their words are put down and read and have impact...but me? my stuff? are you crazy?! i really still dont know what to say about it all...
i was also talking to her about how i pray that God keeps this at its roots for the most part...i dont want to do what my pride fights to do which is to get so caught up in looking for some deep meaning to something that happens that i forget to just sit back and see it...i dont know if that makes sense, but it does to me...so...
i love that people are encouraged/challenged by this...but i dont want to be so consumed with how its affecting (i never know which effect/affect to use...shouldve paid more attention in english) other people that i leave the reason i actually started this whole thing...like the real reason...the big thing...
i just wanted to put down what i was/have been learning in a place i wouldnt lose it and i could have quick access too...
and i know that i get off on side trails and i include things that arent relevant always and most of the time these things get really long...
but its all me...its the most real thing i have...its raw...and it looks alot like my day to day life...
alot of side steps and errors and doing things the hard way and rambling but really hoping that at the end of the day it ends up showing Christ...
so i shared all that with her...
and then a thought occured
have you ever prayed for something for a long time and gotten no answer?
i dont mean God said no...i mean...He just didnt say anything at all...
i have
and its frustrating because you pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and nothing...the Bible says if you ask it will be given to you...if you continue to go after Him He will answer you...but with me...sometimes that doesnt happen
i end up looking up at God going come on...ive been talking to you about this for a LONG time...and its something that is going to give You glory...and You arent doing ANYTHING about it...why are you being so quiet?!?!?! throw me a bone here...gosh...
since last septemberish ive been praying that i would be humbled with love...i want to be humble...but in america its hard to see the fine line between being humble and downing yourself...youre supposed to be humble and not be proud but youre also supposed to love what God made you to be in the way that He loves it...
so my prayer constantly has been God i want to feel the love and encouragement You have for me and i want to see me how You see me...but i want to be humble about the whole thing...
and for a year now...ive gotten nothing...
im not sure what i was expecting...maybe i would just wake up one day and go hmm...i feel really humble today...and i think its going to last for a while...well, looks like God answered the prayer..
but whatever i was expecting/searching for...i never found
until friday, in the barnes and noble parking lot, in the front seat of mirandas car...(because where else would God show up)
i realized that He is answering that prayer RIGHT NOW...these circumstances are humbling me constantly...no job...depending on my parents...completely out of my comfort zone...taking classes at a community school...doing and being around all this stuff i never wouldve chosen for myself....
but then there is this encouragement that i get from hearing and reading what people are learning and seeing from how God is working in my life...
i guess God couldnt use the exact same thing to humble AND encourage me because im way to stubborn to accept it like that...i wouldve raised way too many questions and had way too much doubt...
so He is using things that are happening at the same time but dont directly affect the other...again, not sure if that makes sense..but...hopefully you get it kind of
i have been so busy getting caught up in the details of what was arguably me just waiting for God to not come through...i just expected that since the prayer was complicated...He wasnt going to do it...so i just kept looking for Him to continue not doing what i always felt like He wouldnt...He has never disappointed me...and He has never forsaken me...and He has always kept His word...but because of me or my past or any number of other things...i just decided to believe He would start doing that now...without giving one ounce of breathing room for Him to come through and show that to me....
i missed the fact that the whole time ive been trying to pick a fight with Him about not living up to His end of the bargain (because i TOTALLY have that right) that i missed the fact that He was answering it from the start...it just took a little longer to set up than i was anticipating...
i guess maybe next time i should work on living up to my end...and let Him do His thing...
itll probably work out better that way, since it now seems like He might know what He's doing...
ive been really blessed the last couple of years to cross paths with some people that not only became friends but became people with whom i have shared a deep connection..
a connection that seems to spur long raw deep Christ centered conversations whenever we are in contact...conversations about what God is doing and teaching us and challenging us with...conversations that reveal lessons you are learning that you may not have even realized until vocalizing them in that exact moment...
for these connections and relationships i am so truly thankful...
miranda is one of those friends...and when we came together on friday our experience was quite the normal one for us (normal being that we always end up having one of the above mentioned conversations and friday was no exception)
i was talking to her about this blog actually and how it has begun to take me on this ride that ive never been on and its driving me crazy not to know whats next but how it seems like through this, somehow....in some way...somewhere...at some point...God is using/will use this for something different or more or bigger or....somehow...
ive just had all these people come out of the woodwork, some that i have never met...some that its been a really long time...and tell me that they read this and it impacts them...
ive had all of these lessons that ive learned and things that God has and continues to reveal to me planted so deep in my soul that they feel like theyve been there forever and, while i would be lying if i said i hadnt toyed with the idea of writing a book about all of the crazy insane things that have happened to me in the past, to actually publish your thoughts from this moment, this day, this time...and have other people...any people...read them at all but certainly read them and be affected by them...is insane...at least if they are my words they are...sure rob bell...francis chan...louie giglio...donald miller...definitely their words are put down and read and have impact...but me? my stuff? are you crazy?! i really still dont know what to say about it all...
i was also talking to her about how i pray that God keeps this at its roots for the most part...i dont want to do what my pride fights to do which is to get so caught up in looking for some deep meaning to something that happens that i forget to just sit back and see it...i dont know if that makes sense, but it does to me...so...
i love that people are encouraged/challenged by this...but i dont want to be so consumed with how its affecting (i never know which effect/affect to use...shouldve paid more attention in english) other people that i leave the reason i actually started this whole thing...like the real reason...the big thing...
i just wanted to put down what i was/have been learning in a place i wouldnt lose it and i could have quick access too...
and i know that i get off on side trails and i include things that arent relevant always and most of the time these things get really long...
but its all me...its the most real thing i have...its raw...and it looks alot like my day to day life...
alot of side steps and errors and doing things the hard way and rambling but really hoping that at the end of the day it ends up showing Christ...
so i shared all that with her...
and then a thought occured
have you ever prayed for something for a long time and gotten no answer?
i dont mean God said no...i mean...He just didnt say anything at all...
i have
and its frustrating because you pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and nothing...the Bible says if you ask it will be given to you...if you continue to go after Him He will answer you...but with me...sometimes that doesnt happen
i end up looking up at God going come on...ive been talking to you about this for a LONG time...and its something that is going to give You glory...and You arent doing ANYTHING about it...why are you being so quiet?!?!?! throw me a bone here...gosh...
since last septemberish ive been praying that i would be humbled with love...i want to be humble...but in america its hard to see the fine line between being humble and downing yourself...youre supposed to be humble and not be proud but youre also supposed to love what God made you to be in the way that He loves it...
so my prayer constantly has been God i want to feel the love and encouragement You have for me and i want to see me how You see me...but i want to be humble about the whole thing...
and for a year now...ive gotten nothing...
im not sure what i was expecting...maybe i would just wake up one day and go hmm...i feel really humble today...and i think its going to last for a while...well, looks like God answered the prayer..
but whatever i was expecting/searching for...i never found
until friday, in the barnes and noble parking lot, in the front seat of mirandas car...(because where else would God show up)
i realized that He is answering that prayer RIGHT NOW...these circumstances are humbling me constantly...no job...depending on my parents...completely out of my comfort zone...taking classes at a community school...doing and being around all this stuff i never wouldve chosen for myself....
but then there is this encouragement that i get from hearing and reading what people are learning and seeing from how God is working in my life...
i guess God couldnt use the exact same thing to humble AND encourage me because im way to stubborn to accept it like that...i wouldve raised way too many questions and had way too much doubt...
so He is using things that are happening at the same time but dont directly affect the other...again, not sure if that makes sense..but...hopefully you get it kind of
i have been so busy getting caught up in the details of what was arguably me just waiting for God to not come through...i just expected that since the prayer was complicated...He wasnt going to do it...so i just kept looking for Him to continue not doing what i always felt like He wouldnt...He has never disappointed me...and He has never forsaken me...and He has always kept His word...but because of me or my past or any number of other things...i just decided to believe He would start doing that now...without giving one ounce of breathing room for Him to come through and show that to me....
i missed the fact that the whole time ive been trying to pick a fight with Him about not living up to His end of the bargain (because i TOTALLY have that right) that i missed the fact that He was answering it from the start...it just took a little longer to set up than i was anticipating...
i guess maybe next time i should work on living up to my end...and let Him do His thing...
itll probably work out better that way, since it now seems like He might know what He's doing...
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