scarier than the scariest stuff i know about...

*EDIT*
ok so i wrote a whole beginning to this post and then hit publish and the whole first half was gone so im just gonna roll with it and tell you that what you are coming into the middle of is a conversation between the Lord and i about whether i should or shouldnt/do or do not have the ability to write a book...and then hopefully thats enough to get you on your way with this post...if i realize otherwise...ill edit more later..oh all the capital letters are God...fyi






YOU CAN ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU I AM WHO I SAY I AM

YOU CAN WATCH ME USE YOUR ORDINARY TO SHOW MY EXTRAORDINARY

YOU CAN TRUST ME TO LEAD YOU ALWAYS

YOU CAN REMEMBER THAT I AM THE GOD THAT PARTED SEAS, RAINED FOOD DOWN FROM HEAVEN, TALKED THROUGH A BUSH, CONQUERED DEATH, CREATED, PURSUED, RESCUED, REDEEMED, AND FREED MANKIND OUT OF NOTHING BUT LOVE

I AM MOSES YAHWEH AND KATE MARDIS, I AM YOUR GOD TOO

of course my response has been
yea but God, i'm really scared

OF WHAT?

what happens if i fail?

YOU DONT THINK IM BIG ENOUGH TO SAVE YOU?

of course i do, i just...god...you just dont understand...im pretty weird...i screw stuff up all the time...

WHAT ARE YOU REALLY SCARED OF

i guess i am scared that everything i have ever believed about myself might actually turn out to be true

SO WHAT IF IT IS?

that could screw stuff up

I AM MORE CAPABLE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER DREAM IN YOUR BIGGEST DREAMS
I DIDNT JUST CREATE BOOKS, I CREATED WORDS, AND LETTERS, AND LANGUAGES, AND PEOPLE TO SPEAK THOSE LANGUAGES...HECK I EVEN CREATED TIME SO THEY COULD USE IT TO READ THE BOOKS

I RAISE THE DEAD, AND THEN I GIVE THEM NEW LIFE
I RESCUE NATIONS
I COMFORT THE BROKEN
I FEED THE HUNGRY
I LOVE THE UNLOVELY
I FREE THE PRISONERS
I HEAR THE MUTE
I GIVE THE BLIND SIGHT
I PROTECT THE VULNERABLE
I HEAL THE HURTING
I SPEAK FOR THOSE WITH NO VOICE
I PAVE PATHS WHERE THEY WERE NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE
I BREAK THE UNBREAKABLE AND MEND THE UNMENDABLE
I CREATE AWESOME THINGS OUT OF NOTHING

AND YOU THINK I CANT HANDLE YOU WRITING A BOOK?

SERIOUSLY KATE?



well gee god...when you put it like that

YEA
THATS MY POINT

NOTHING HAS EVER SURPRISED ME
IVE GOT THIS
IVE GOT YOU
I WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
I WANT TO SHOW YOU THAT WITH ME, YOU CAN WALK ON WATER
BUT KATE
YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THAT BOAT



so here i go
im getting out
this may very well end up being more or different or something completely than what i think it might be now when its all said and done
but i dont want to die and have to explain to the Lord that i never got out of the boat because i wasn't sure if he could handle my ocean

i dont want to be 70 years old and realize that ive talked a lot of talk about letting God show up and show out...but never really got to see it myself

i dont want to be in the boat with mediocrity
i want to be on the water with Mind Blowing

and so here is your part:
yea dont play like youre surprised you have a role here
i may not know you at all or we might be related by blood...but i dont care about that
you still have a role

i of course need your prayer
and i do mean need

i have a million reasons that tell me why this is silly
why it wont work
why im no different than any other writer
why im TOO different from every other writer
why im not smart enough
creative enough
*fill in the blank* enough


so i also need your encouragement
i need you tell me that youre in my corner
i need you to let me know that no matter what, youre on my team
i need you to not assume that i already know all that and it would be awkward for you to tell me so youll just assume everyone else (all 14 of you) will say it
i need you to not let this go
i need you to help push me out of this boat a little, because we all know that writing a blog about writing a book is way way way different than actually writing a book
if you have a neighbor down the street that needs to read weird things too...theres a reason i have the share link button on the end of each blog...post it to your facebook...tweet about it...tell your mom about it...sing a little song about it...

i cant do this alone
I CANT DO THIS ALONE
I CANT DO THIS ALONE
I CANT DO THIS ALONE

got it yet?


i need you in every way you want to help
i mean that


pray about this
pray about your role in this
pray about my journey with this

im excited
im nervous
im nervously excited
im happy about it
im glad youre gonna be here too
for real
if you read this, im grateful for you
im ready to get this party started
so what do you think...are you in?

A defining moment...

i should probably not be allowed to write things at 3 am.
starbucks shouldnt be allowed to charge 5.50 for a cup of hot water and beans crushed and mixed together either.
what is and what should be arent the same thing though, so here i sit at 2:47 am just typing my life away




sometimes my whoa, Jesus moments come from conversations im having where literally the Lord will, in the easiest/only way i know to describe it, pour words into me and have me say them or type them and i will do it very much thinking that they are my words and as soon as i say/type it i will look at it and go. whoa. that was way way way NOT me...i am so not that good


and this may very well sound prideful and crazy to you
and it might be
you know, the whole God uses me to speak to me thing...
but im really prideful sometimes and so whatever, if God is ok with it, im down too.


well this happened twice tonight


first occurance: wisdom for me is what God uses to fill the gap between what i thought would be and what actually is...so probably the bigger the gap between how you thought your life was going to go and how its actually gone, the more wisdom youve got




second occurance: of course we are scared, because losing our lives, you know dying to ourselves so we gain His, its painful...it hurts deep, and we know its going to hurt deep and we are taught to fear pain, so here we are afraid of the pain of losing our lives so that we might Live but thats where faith comes in the picture, faith jumps in and goes yo jesus, im going to come out on the water to be with you IN SPITE of being afraid not IN PLACE of it


i dont even know what the end result of this post is going towards but im just gonna put down some thoughts and...eh...it probably doesnt matter, youre asleep anyway


the past little while i have spent looking up definitions of feeling versus being
why?
well because quite frankly i dont know what to do with the fact that God tells peter in matthew 14:22-36 to not be afraid
but im afraid, basically all them time, of something...and if im not afraid of that then i start being afraid of something else
and i dont know how to not be afraid of stuff that is scary
here is what i have figured out
to be is defined as to be possessed by a state or percieved reality
to feel is simply to be affected by or aware of


and its interesting isnt it that the Lord doesnt say here, dont feel afraid, dont be affected by something that is human nature, dont be aware that im asking you to do something that you dont understand the logistics of
instead he says dont be possessed by fear, dont allow YOUR PERCEPTION of the way things are, your understanding of how things go, your ideas of what is probably going to occur, yea that...dont be owned by that...dont allow that to control you


and he follows it up with an instruction to have courage...well of course i went and looked up what have meant and its defined as being in possession of, to be identified or distinguished by
so he says pete...my man...dude, dont you let fear control you here, instead take possession of so that you may be identified and distinguished by courage


the thing that sticks out to me is the whole percieved reality thing followed by being distinguished and identified by thing


how many flipping times does Jesus call me to get out on some water with Him and because my perceived reality (which is defined by: the understanding of what is real based usually on previous facts or events) i go nah, thanks but no thanks...ill stick with stayin in the boat, but at least im on the water right?


HECK NO ITS NOT RIGHT


God wants to show me how cool He is, how His reality trumps my perception, how He isnt confined to the way things used to be, or how they should be, or how they usually end up, He wants to show me how with Him, all things are possible, even freaking walking on freaking water during a freaking storm is possible, He wants to show me how with Him the only thing that is impossible...is impossible.


it might be because its 4 am...ill know when i read this again tomorrow, but im pretty sure that last sentence is the third occurrence tonight of the God talking to me through me stuff...but im just not sure right now


and the first thing He tells me to do in order to walk on that water is to have courage
dont worry i looked courage up too
it said to be brave
so i looked that up too
to defy, challenge, or dare....the quality that enables a person to face a situation full of difficulty and danger without fear


so i think this is what is true with these 2 pairs of words....being afraid vs having courage
fear=more to do with emotions, less to do with character
courage=more to do with character, less to do with emotions


emotions change from one second to the next, character doesnt


Don't be afraid. Have courage, I AM here.


dont let that fearful emotion be what controls you, dont live in that percieved reality because of what you think you know
instead, have the quality, possess, own, be identified and distinguished by the quality that allows you to defy, challenge, and dare a situation full of difficulty and danger
and then this one last thing...its the biggest, and i almost missed it, im glad God didnt let me


in 3 words, He says how, why, and in what way peter can have that brave trait that allows him to defy, challenge, and dare a very unnerving, abnormal, completely uncomfortable, confusing situation...I. AM. HERE.


Jesus is Here. Jesus is There. Jesus is Way Over There. and Right Behind Here. He is Present so that you might be in control of a quality to defy your reality. 


i dont care what your mom said will happen if you try that
i dont care what your best friend said will happen if you go after that
i dont care what your dad said he would bet his life on would happen if you went there
it doesnt matter to me what you have seen a million times before
it doesnt matter what the odds stacked against you are
i dont care what society says
my God made the odds so He sure as heck can change them whenever He wants
my God isn't confined to the box of "whats possible" that everybody and their brother around you swears by
my God doesnt work on time tables, He created time
my God doesnt move based on whats happened every time before
my God thrives on taking impossible completely out of the equation


so stop making excuses
stop being ruled by your emotion
stop taking every fact about your past into account
stop letting the "yeah but what if" game beat you every time
stop looking at every reason you shouldnt, cant, and wont be able to and start lifting your eyes to The Giver of Life...The One Calling You to Himself






at some point you decided it was ok to allow fear to write your story
but eventually, you reach a moment and realize that all fear is doing is writing a book full of four letter words
give the pen back to The Best Author around
start living a much better story
and probably for your sake, dont dwell on all those four letter words

striving to be a loser

i should be studying right now
but these thoughts have been stirring in my head for days 
and well...theyre going a little stir crazy
plus i studied econ for a total of almost 8 hours yesterday, and well...i think i should get a little break


i have a gift 


its a gift that nobody wants, but man...ive got it


i have a gift for losing things
i dont mean that every couple of days i misplace my keys for a few minutes(which i do, but its more like everyday for at least 15 minutes...at least once)
i mean...like 2 years ago i lost so many debit cards in such a short amount of time (9 in 7 months....yes you read that correctly, no it isnt an exaggeration) that they knew me personally at the bank and had memorized my address to send it to....i was so embarassed the 10th time that i stopped banking all together and decided to only use cash


well i dont know why i thought that if i lost bank cards all the time that i for some reason wouldnt lose cash...that was dumb. my final solution? i started banking somewhere else
yep. i was so embarassed that i just decided to forgo bank a and begin banking at bank b...


clearly i rock at losing things


and i suppose that since i rock at this it would be easy to understand Christ's command to lose my life so that i might find it


but ive never understood that..it doesnt make any sense at all
its gibberish
and foregn
and in trying to grow in my faith journey and thinking about everything ive been consistently taught over the years, the combinations of all those teachings have previously arrived me at this conclusion:


so im supposed to live my life like Jesus, but lose my life, but find Jesus' life, but find my life while finding Jesus' life, but die to myself, but live for Jesus, but live for others...but live for Jesus first, and then others...but not really others...just kind of


and there have been few if any notions of how one might do this
so you can probably see my confusion right?


well im pretty pumped because the Lord has finally given some clarity...and no worries, i will now share said clarity with you


ready? lets go. 
so i would assume that the 4 of you reading this have all lost something at some point
losing stuff sucks
its frustrating
annoying
hard
painful sometimes (depending on the item lost)
and its incredibly inconvenient


and since God says He is THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE
this to me would indicate to me that we are only allowed to have one life, and we can either have ours...or we can have His...but in the end...one is all we get


and we all lose stuff at different times, and the stuff we lose is very different, and the consequences of the loss vary greatly as well...but i am willing to make the claim here that one thing is for sure about almost every loss ever experienced and that is: the one time youre trying to lose something is going to be the one time you dont lose it...


so if God said, ok guys im gonna give you a life to start off with but as soon as you lose it ill give you a way way way better one...and then didnt give us some sort of "distraction" or other focus we would all still be focused on losing our lives and wed be focused on us and we would never get anywhere


so instead He gives us Another Life to focus on pursuing and being like and then in the process of trying to find Jesus' life we begin to lose our own...
and thats why at points this journey is frustrating...
because it isnt that we dont know or arent losing our own lives
its quite the opposite
we completely realize whats going on...and we choose to focus on all that we are losing because of it
we get upset that we cant seek revenge anymore
we realize that gossip shouldnt seep from our lips anymore
we realize that we have to pray for our enemies now
we realize that we have to treat people the way we want to be treated now
we realize that Love is wrecking our lives


what we also fail to realize is that what we are finding is WAY WAY WAY better
what we fail to realize is that peace overwhelms the place that revenge once was
what we fail to realize is that kindness spews where gossip once lingered
what we fail to realize is that the Lord has control over our enemies as well
what we fail to realize is that we are being treated by others the way we are treating them
what we fail to realize is that Love has wrecked our lives


what we fail to realize is that we have lost our lives to find The Life


today i choose to be a life wrecked by Love because it is no longer i who lives but CHRIST IN ME

Jesus lets me wear my blue converse's

you wanna know something?

i skipped old testament today, and dang it. it was on purpose

its not because my ot class is boring
im actually learning alot in it
i truly love the class, so far
which is quite the statement if you had any idea about what my feelings about taking the class were before the semester started

i skipped it because i was tired

i spent about 6 hours last night praying/worshiping

if you are sitting there thinking wow, someone is suzy spiritual, looks like she earned some jesus points
please stop

thats not true

if anything id say it was only a start at making up for the worship time ive lacked the last couple of months
but jesus doesnt work on a points system of make ups/losses/profits so looks like im ok

last night was a culmination of the last few weeks of learning i guess
i went to seacoast for first wednesday which is a service the first wednesday of every month that is basically 90% praise/worship music and 10% message...kind of a do as you feel led to type thing
and goodness gracious, worship was just...phenomenal

i felt so still, so quieted
so....there.
i just was.
it felt like i didnt have to do anything.
i was literally getting an overwhelming amount of joy from doing nothing.
just thinking and singing about how awesome God was...how awesome He IS.

i could go on, but words dont do it justice. so i wont try.

i will just say that next time youre standing in a worship service setting and you "arent feelin it" just think about those words that youre singing...like how powerful they are, and the implications they have

for example

the ENEMY has been DEFEATED
DEATH COULDNT HOLD YOU DOWN

were gonna lift our voice in VICTORY
were gonna make our praises LOUD

dude. death couldnt hold you down
wow.
wow. wow. wow.
if that doesnt give you chills, you need a heart check
fo real.


read those words slowly (the lyrics, not the heart check thing :)
feel them in your soul
drench yourself in their power
clothe yourself in its Truth


whoa.
Gods so super.


ok so anyway,
after i left the church, i drove to school with the intent of studying accounting

now what im about to say you may be tempted to respond with well of course thats how it went kate, you were gonna be studying accounting...anything is better than that...but i will go ahead and tell you that for most people that would be true, but im actually really enjoying accounting...mostly because its pretty easy for me, which might be a first


so

went into the library, sat down, got out my books
then God told me He wasnt done
huh?
ok actually im not sure if God said that or not, but it felt like He wasnt...so i decided to go walk around
this walk led me to the reflection pond
where i sat and prayed for about 3 more hours

i wish there was another phrase than prayed...bc it was more like, an active conversation with the Lord
i told Him everything
He already knew it, but thats not the point
it wasnt about telling Him something He didnt know, it was about feeling like He wanted to hear it all anyway
i told Him some stuff He was teaching me (please read that sentence again, i just did, and i chuckled...bc its funny)
i told Him some funny things i saw yesterday
i talked to Him about ducks, and rocks
i told Him some dreams, some really BIG dreams
i listened
i was quiet
i cried
i smiled
i closed my eyes and breathed in fresh air, wet, cold, fresh, beautiful air
it was perfect.

and then i called sarah junco to tell her about it, and i woke her up, and felt bad, and then told her about it, and then cried, and then didnt feel as bad about it, but still kind of bad...but she loves me so shell be ok

see i live in this world of planning, and looking ahead, and next, and the future, and what will be, rather than what is


we are human BEings, not human DOings, or even human PLANFORTOMORROWings...
He calls us to His presence for DAILY bread, not sunday and wednesday bread, not whenever you can make time bread, not whenever you are in distress bread...

the Lord calls us to Him...DAILY DAILY DAILY


now im certainly not a chronic planner by any means, but as a 20 something who "SHOULD BE" on the way to a career choice, marriage, kids, and whatever else someone decides to add to the list it is kind of ingrained in my soul right now to constantly be thinking about whatever is next...

but thats sucky

and stupid

and im not sorry for saying either one of those

im not guaranteed tomorrow, but im not guaranteed 10 minutes from now either
and if i want to live a story that is worth reading than i probably need to be willing to give the Author a few extra pages

ha.
dang.
that was good.


so ive got some accounting and micro econ to do, but as soon as i submit this im gonna go have another date with God (yea i said it...and if youre rolling your eyes, you probably need to go have a few dates of your own pal) and my camera is coming along...and if i have to stay up all night to do the school stuff, then thats fine...bc the Lord will give me the strength i need for tomorrow, if i make it to then

im done giving my Sweet Savior the crumbs of this life that doesnt even belong to me in the first place
He deserves the best of the measly offering i have, and in these moments, the best is what i choose to give

grace and love friends....grace. and. love.