i'll take a sandwich...and some freedom please

well well well, a saturday night post? 
what a rare occurrence 




but when you gotta write you gotta write...right? (see what i did there? yep.)




i should be really honest right now and tell you that patriotic stuff, it isnt really my thing


ya know, i guess in my mind its hard to wrap my mind around all that days like july 4th represent, and im sure if i was a citizen of the new colony and had just come out from under the queens reign 3 or 4 years ago, id feel differently, and im sure that if i had not always had things like independence and all that jazz id be more appreciative, im sure this is really just a taking for granted thing on my part...i have no one to blame but myself really...i dont have a problem with any of it, im just sayin if a school were to have a most patriotic superlative...i wouldnt be anywhere near the running


all that to help you understand the oddity of the fact that today i was talking about freedom




little ms loves her country but not real patriotic was thinking about freedom?
yep
sure was


and i have no idea why




i am most certainly not the first person to ever come up with the idea that freedom is ironic because there is nothing about it thats free


but mostly i see this pertaining to the good ole u.s. of a.


PAUSE THAT THOUGHT
everywhere i have gone recently i see the same creepy people from my school...like 4 of them...not as in the 4 of them in a group...i mean the 4 of them very separately just all at the same places i am...at the same time...does this mean i am part of the creepy group that isnt really a group but in an unexplainable way is a group group?...this is a sort of sad but not so unexpected revelation...oh well, i digress...


OK YOU CAN UNPAUSE THE THOUGHT NOW


so i havent really ever compared and contrasted the meaning of freedom in the context of the Lord and i versus ya know, the country i live in


i have just sort of taken the word freedom in pertaining to my faith and just let it be sort of nice and refreshing but not much more than that...


but this afternoon it occurred to me that not only is freedom not free it only comes after a very intense battle


and not only does it come after an intense battle, it is something that has to be continually fought for and defended against any number of strategies, weapons, and enemies


it is a war actually
not a battle
that brings freedom


in fact
it is a war
not a battle
that brings anything worth fighting for




but we are not the ones fighting
we think we are because we're dumb
but we arent
the Lord and the enemy are in this war over our souls
over our attention
over our beings
over everything we are, have, and will choose to be


kate what happened to the battle you are fighting has already been won?


Chist won the battle for our hearts...absolutely
but our worship, our adoration, our desires
there is this constant war being waged not for our initial freedom, bought at a price on the Cross, no...youre right not for the freedom itself but for what we choose to do with it


how do i know that?
welp, if im gonna go fight for something, its gonna be because it has worth to me, it means something to me, it helps me in some way, it matters, it has value 
and call me crazy but i feel like probably Christ and the devil feel the same


which means that if all we were called to do was to come to earth and get saved...then after that, wouldnt we lose our worth to satan? wouldnt he have no choice but to concede the loss? call it a day? go after something else...someONE else? if there was only one purpose for us here, then after that one purpose was accomplished...wouldnt his white flag on us go up? hed have no choice...bc thatd be the ballgame


dont read that as me saying you can lose your salvation...but people im talkin about purpose...im talkin about meaning...im talkin about God saying HEY ITS NOT ENOUGH TO JUST BELIEVE...I WANT MORE FOR AND FROM YOU THAN THAT...I WANT EVERYTHING...NOT JUST YOUR BELIEF...I WANT YOUR LIFE...AND I WONT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT






we clearly still have worth or the Creator wouldnt be constantly fighting for our attention with the most wicked being ever to live...actually we clearly have worth to satan too...which means to me that he knows that if he loses me to the Good Side that its a devastating loss, and think what you will but that makes me feel pretty solid about my standing in the Lords eyes...it feels pretty fantastic to be looked at from the Winning side AND the losing side as a valuable player...




so our freedom is not free
but our Freer says this war over you and over me is one worth fighting...and its one worth giving His most prized weapon for...His ONLY son


it is a bloody war
one not devoid of casualties
there are wounded soldiers
there are strategies that fail
there are plans that go a ry
there are captors taken
there are choices made and consequences that follow
there are sacrifices made that go unanswered
there are, unfortunately, battles that are lost...


but God says HEY, keep your head up...he may have won that battle, but I WILL WIN THIS WAR




you are not just worth the rescue
you are worth the redemption
you are worth the restoration
you are worth the reformation
the recreation, resolution, the reaction, the rebuilding


you are worth doing it all the first time
but you are worth so much, that I am compelled to do it again
you are worth so much that I am so ok adding 're' to my vocabulary concerning you


freedom doesnt just happen
and it doesnt just stay that way once it has
it has to be fought for
it has to be sacrificed for
it has to come at cost
it does come at a cost
a cost He is willing to pay because you are priceless
so go live in some freedom
and leave the fight Your Father
cause freedom isnt freedom cause its free, freedom is freedom because you are....


youre free
go live like it

okay, so who am i?

i dont remember how long ago, but a couple of years ago, i guess right at 2 actually i sat in milledgeville, ga and did something strange

kate mardis did something strange?
please try to contain your shocked face


i started writing who i was
what?
i dont remember why exactly, i guess i just wanted some sort of firmer answer to the question who are you? tell me about yourself.....
because surprisingly i get that question a lot
and beyond the factual things like, female, caucasian, 23, southern....the rest is sort of up in the air for debate unless i have some sort of defense and knowledge about it

so i just started writing and it ended up being 8 pages...some of it stuff i was proud of, some not so much...but there it was...8 pages of phrases made up of anywhere from 1-7 or 8 words describing me...and i havent looked at that list in a while, a year ago i guess was the last time...so what im gonna do is accept the fact that ive changed a little since 2 years ago and sort of make a list on here, and then ill be able to compare them maybe...because sometimes, its fun to see your growth...and sometimes its not fun....but either way, its a really good thing to do

ya know, to be honest with yourself and the Lord
and in my case, all of the internet who ventures into my little cave of thoughts
so here we go i guess:

i never feel more comfortable than when im in my chucks and a pair of jeans, hilarious is no longer a term that i find a big compliment in...its more just sort of a phrase i accept as factual yet cliche, even if well intentioned, and move on, unapologetically passionate, people watcher, so creative, i'm awesome at coming up with ideas...not so swell with follow through-but i am beginning to realize this just means i am a big picture person and not a details person, its rare that i go to a public place alone and dont end up having a conversation with someone, ive met all kinds of people with all kinds of stories and its honestly one of my favorite qualities about me

when i talk about the Lord it sounds more like im talking about my best friend...actually i guess i am

i will never get tired of kids, or what they teach me
God allows me a privilege and responsibility of seeing things very very very differently than other people
owning a mac makes me feel cooler, i wont lie
the more i like Jesus the harder it is for me to find motivation to live and work towards the future, bc i just like today and what it brings mostly
God has made me brave
i get irritated with immaturity and irresponsibility very quickly
excuses wont get you anywhere with me
i have a heart to help lots of people
it bothers me when people arent understanding with other people
compassion matters
worship happens a lot, and very rarely in church for me
i cant imagine doing anything other than marketing
i love life, and living, and breathing, and creating, and discovering, and learning, and talking, and listening, and being, and helping, and following, and leading, and believing, and understanding, and accomplishing, and wondering, and dreaming, and questioning, and looking, and seeing, and just existing
i will always make the decision that i believe i can defend and stand on, not the decision that everyone around me thinks is best....because if one day i look back and see that the only thing ive got left to stand on are the choices ive made, than i at least want to be comfortable in their solidness
if anyone ever figures out how to read my mind besides Jesus, they will probably be very confused
you wont understand this maybe, but if i look at an object for a second or so, then most of the time i can tell you what it would look like if it were animated
i'm pretty sure im going to write a book one day
i am a lot more comfortable being alone then most of the rest of the world i think
i want to be rich one day because i want to give everything i have away but i realized the other day that i probably wont ever be rich because i already give almost everything i have away and i am so beyond ok with that, you have no idea
a month ago i had taken out a little extra on a student loan so i could buy a mac but someone made me feel bad about doing that so i didnt even though i had wanted one for a long time, so then on my birthday the school called and said they had messed up my paperwork and charged me too much so id be getting my 2nd refund of the semester, the amount of the refund was exactly the amount of my mac...so i didnt turn down the 2nd chance and you WILL NOT convince me that it was anything other than God Himself intervening on my behalf, and no i am not joking

people fascinate me
i think it should be criminal to talk down people and their dreams just because your life is miserable
i believe with everything i am that if we started living as though God is everything we say He is in our churches on sundays this world would be so so so so so much different
someone told me when i was little God was going to use me for BIG CRAZY things and i was just silly enough that i still believe they were right
i have a football player that likes me
i am a jerk to him
and he still likes me
and it makes me laugh
and confuses me
there is even some sort of possibility that he might read this
which also sort of makes me laugh
i guess i should define what i mean by like
he ends up showing up places i am a lot
and then sits down and talks to me/distracts me until he decides to go find someone who will be nice to him
which is rarely me
anyway
i wanna move to australia one day
i have trouble knowing whether to use affect or effect and it bothers me
but not enough to do anything about it
a goo goo dolls song just came on, ive got a coffee in my hand, the bible beside me, and probably a friend to talk to not far from showing up, all that adds up to this moment being as perfect as i could ask for...so on that note, i leave you with this:

if you dont know who you are
figure it out
write it down
talk it out
learn it
feel it
think about it
after you figure it out, love it
love it with all youve got
even the crappy stuff
why?
because right now, this is where you are
this is where the Lord has you
its where He is choosing to use you, and love you, and grow you, and meet you
be proud of who God has made you, even if everyone else calls it weird
fall in love with the pieces God has made your puzzle out of
jump into it with both feet and dont look back and dont apologize
be who you are
its too hard and life is too short to be anything but yourself
and besides you spend all this time trying to fool everyone and sooner or later the truth comes out anyway
so why waste those moments pretending
there are bigger dragons to fight
so go fight em
and stop worrying about why your armor doesnt look like everyone elses
it might be because its meant to fight a different dragon
you wont know till you try
go live your life with some gusto
and for the Lord's sake, give it all youve got, you owe it to Him

Passionately Passionate

i realize there are a lot of things in life that arent fair, but i wanna just vent about something that has been annoying me lately because of how unfair it feels


all my life i was encouraged to be 100% about things, i was encouraged to not just give 50% or even 80% of myself to something, that if i was going to throw myself into something i either needed to do it to the best of my ability and do it big or dont bother at all


ok thats great


me putting myself all in to whatever i do has generated a very passionate human being


i dont do much but its because whatever i do, i do it all, i do it well, and i do my best
i become borderline obsessed with things
i find out all i can about stuff
i give everything ive got to stuff
i talk about it a lot
i work hard for it
i sacrifice for it
i dive in head first and i dont look back and for the most part i dont regret it
sometimes the "it" is a friendship, sometimes its an organization, sometimes its a school project (ok its very very rarely a school project) but you get the idea...


i am willing to make the claim at this point that i am one of the most passionate human beings you may ever meet, and if you think thats being cocky i will just say that you have probably never heard me talk about chick-fil-a, my friends, Jesus, marketing, golf...i could go on but i wont


growing up, i was told that passion was the difference in good and great
passion was the line in the sand between maybe and absolutely
passion was something to be strived for
passion was something not just everyone could be
passion was a rare and wonderful quality
passion was a good thing




and to a point i still get told some sort of combination of the above statements




passion is the reason that even though, at the moment, i am only a team leader for cfa, i can tell you the entire chick fil a story of how we started as a company, i can tell you all the key players, i can tell you the nutritional information of about 90% of our menu, i can tell you key sales figures from the past 10 years of our corporation, i can tell you new products/services being developed under the cfa brand, i can tell you exactly where we stand as a unit in respect to the rest of the chain in the drive thru reports on any given day, i can tell you not just most of what we do but why we do it, how we do it, when it started, and where wed like to see it go, i can leave your head spinning with so much cfa information you could convince someone that you worked for us....


i gotta tell you, if you think you could walk into any other cfa and expect another team leader or member to know that stuff for no other reason then their love of all things cfa...you have another thing comin


all that to say that lately ive found myself more and more having to defend why i am passionate about things
people making fun of my passion




im old enough to know that not everyone is going to like, or understand, or agree with, or appreciate everything i do or am but when exactly did it become wrong to be passionate about the life you live?


why is it wrong to feel strongly about something?
why am i having to defend my enthusiasm?
why is it ok to hurt someone with words because they love what they do, who they get to be, and who they get to be around?
when did it become acceptable to tear down someone for diving in when the rest of the world is just wading?




thats junk




i am not the smartest person you will ever know
i dont have the most creative ideas
i am funny a lot of times, but i certainly have joke fails quite often
i will never be an olympic athlete
i talk a lot
i dont listen very well
its hard to focus on things
i procrastinate like my life depends on it
i have a problem with not thinking things all the way through
i dont have a lot of friends
and i've been told i should smile more often




but dang it ive got passion
ive got enthusiasm
whatever i do, i do my best to do it well
i am dedicated
i work hard for things i believe in, it just turns out that i dont believe in very many things


and who said i had to?
maybe its better to just have a few things and do those with all your heart, and rock those out
that, btw, is what chick fil a's theory is about our menu...its why while everyone else is expanding their menu with lots and lots of choices we stick to what we have always had and just keep making that the best it can be...and i probably dont have to tell you who is winning the war both  economically and with brand image






so im done apologizing for passion
Jesus was passionate
He was passionate about people
and all the "stuff" i end up being passionate about are because i see a great way to appreciate and be passionate about people through them


im done saying im sorry that i get really excited about what i do
about who i am
im done saying please forgive me for giving you everything i have
im done with i apologize that the way i can serve you, respect you, and honor you best is to do my best for and with you


its ok if you arent passionate
i understand that not everyone is me
thank God for that
i understand that there is a beauty to the diversity of Gods creation
i appreciate that passion doesnt have to be your forte
i accept that i dont have to understand everyone not being as enthusiastic about stuff as i am


but just because you dont get so excited you could burst over things like marketing, great customer service, chick fil a, friends, God's goodness, laughter and every other thing i get so excited about doesnt mean that you get to question the validity or acceptability of the twinkle i have in my eye




if you think im just some silly 23 year old who is "just being kate" then i respectfully tell you youre wrong, i respectfully tell you that whether you are 60 or 16, whether you have been through hell all your life or havent ever had a bad day, whether you are my best friend or you have never met me, there is nothing that gives you the right to do what you can to extinguish someone else's flame, mine or otherwise....NOTHING


God gives me excitement
He made it
He made me too
and i think if God loves that about me then you need to step off and realize you dont have a right to not love it too




sorry that this isn't the typical post for me
but people hurt sometimes
i hurt sometimes
and sometimes you let it go
but sometimes i think its ok to stand up and say, i hear what youre saying, but youre wrong