My Scarlet Letter

if you are not my mom then you can skip down past this first part:
mom-
you may very well be upset after this post, but i cant hold this in anymore, i cant deal with this without processing this through writing, i dont know if this is ok, and im sorry if it isnt...sincerely i am...i just dont know what ok is anymore...i love you and i hope you understand after you read all this why i needed to write about it, thanks for supporting me mom....always


for everyone plus my mom:
i kid you not that as i pulled up my blog screen these lyrics came over pandora and i think they fit...or they will fit after this is done with:
"oh, got no reason
got no shame
got no family i can blame
just dont let me disappear
imma tell you everything

yea this time,
dont need another perfect line
dont care if critics jump in line
im gonna give all my secrets away"
-secrets
one republic


i cant believe im even about to put this out there and i may very well end up deleting this at some point in the near or not so near future when courage and or stupidity isnt so abundant


i should maybe tell you why first though
that explanation would be that im a big advocate of honesty
loathe is not a strong enough word to describe my emotions towards anything short of it
id rather be punched in the gut a million times then lied too...ok maybe not a million...but...you get me
its not just that i hate when people lie to me, its not even that i hate when people lie in general although both of those are certainly true...its also that i despise with every ounce of my being when relevant truth is left out...even when it isnt intentional
and this whole thing going down very much effects every aspect of my life and for me to leave it out of my writing means you dont really get a fair chance to see where im coming from...and i dont know why its important to me that you get that shot, it just is

the other reason for the explanation is that in the last year this page has been looked at 1044 times...which means that someone is reading...i may know you...i may not but someone out there is seeing this which means its not just thoughts disappearing like vapors in the night....someone is hearing me...someone is listening....and so i have the advantage of knowing someone is there but i dont have to face the awkward silence of whoever you are staring back at me because you are so sorry but have no idea what to say...which really helps both of us if you think about it....you dont feel awkard for feeling awkward and i dont feel awkward for making you feel awkward and its just really a win win...


so i should get to this then huh?
with shaky hands and tears streaming and miley cyrus blaring in the earbuds how exactly is it that this blog is the hardest version of this conversation ive had????
and yea, miley is probably the most embarrassing part of that last statement

i dont know how else to do this but actually walk you through how this conversation basically seems to go:

breathe kate

i can hear my heart pounding

its my dad....

breathe again

swallow the frog in my throat...

he isnt here anymore...
like he isnt where i am anymore
like we arent in the same place anymore
as in the same house

he left
...
in october...

for a better job?
nope
better weather?
um no...
bigger house?
nah, not that

well what then...

wait...hold on

he didnt...?
didnt what?
your moms still here?
yea..
oh
yea
so did he? like was it a? like did he have?
what?
well...that word....i dont know...i dont wanna say it.
an affair?
yea.
are you sure?
yea.
oh man...i dont know what to say
me neither
im sorry
me too
but wait...isnt he a pastor?
was. he left that too.
oh...man...wow...i just dont know what to say

the next question is usually how me and my mom are doing
i dont ever know how to answer that because it isnt like there is some handbook for this sort of thing
my mom however has exhibited a strength that if i had some sort of award for i would give to her, seriously
shes grown a ton in the last year
shes put up with some pretty awful moments with me
shes done it beautifully
im proud of her, and no im not saying that just because shell read this
i dont know what the ideal dealing with this looks like but shes given it a solid run...no doubt about that
im not doing too bad either i guess, i dont know
i have great days
i have awful days
i have days where im really angry and cry a lot
i have days where i laugh so hard my stomach hurts
i have days too where life just seems backwards and weird and confusing
you know, cause it is
mostly we feel like we just have to make it at this point...like we just cant stop...and im sure we will, but certainly not without our share of bumps and scrapes

i miss the little things a lot with dad
lunches before id go to work
our constant putting back of empty popsicle boxes into the freezer only to laugh hysterically when the other one found it and experienced severe disappointment
the saturday night discussions of what he should preach on sunday
rounds of golf
his advice
the way he smelled every sunday after church a mix of old spice, methodist robe, and wintergreen gum
how his voice could stop a tear quicker than any kleenex
his never ending list of nicknames for me
how id walk into a room in a prom dress or sweat pants and hed get the same smile and say "hey, theres my girl"
every wink hed give me when he was on stage waiting to preach
how he was never too busy for me
his never ending list of careers he thought id be successful doing...and he really believed it too
our shopping trips
how he pretty much held my world in his hands
and how by every definition i was my daddys girl


does it sound like someone died?
yea i thought so too

but thats what its like
im having to mourn what ive lost
i wont mourn forever
i swear i wont
i know this had to go through God before it got to me so it has to ultimately work for my good but at the moment, this pain is deeper than i even knew i could feel


if you know me and this is the first youve heard of all this, then please dont feel offended....or do...whatever...but dont on my account because how exactly do you have this conversation? no really great way...so i just sort of have had it as little as possible

if you know me and this is the 394297 time youve heard all this then thanks i guess...

i just had to get this out there
i dont have any more room inside of me for hurt, i just dont
i had to put it somewhere
i had to tell someone
somewhere
i just had to
i was desperate

i was desperate because if you love me and support me then i need every bit of love and support you have to give right now and if i expect all that from you then you should know why...i mean i want you to know why
take me or leave me this is the road im on right now...these are the bags im carrying right now...this is me showing you my hand and saying ok...what do you have?
its vulnerable
and scary
and scary
and scary
and courageous maybe
and refreshing
and did i say scary?


im gonna make it
id love to have your prayers and support to help me along the way though
i serve a God bigger than all this
He is carrying me
i do know that
i even feel it
God is still very in this
very in me
He comforts me in new ways daily
but tears still come
times are still hard
moments still hurt
life is still scary a little because it has all this new stuff to go with it
but He has said Grace IS ENOUGH
i believe it
i have to
i want to
i do
He has promised to meet every need...
He has promised to give me everything i need to CONQUER each day
so if i dont have something on a given day, then on that particular day...in the Lords eyes i do not need it
and if He says im ok not needing it today...then ok
ill trust that
because i trust Him
He has big plans for me
His Tomorrow is for me promises to be awesome
but His Today for me has great things in store too....and i dont wanna miss those mourning a loss He has allowed...
God loves me
and you
im gonna let that be enough, because it is.