And the winner is...

i should probably start this off with a confession just so that it can help the 2 of you reading this to maybe understand a little more where i am coming from

i realize i'm probably the only person to do this ever but there have been a lot more occasions than i care to admit when i have used the phrase "because i feel like its what God wants," and to the best of my ability its probably been because of one or more of a few different reasons:
1. i knew that answer would get people off my back because what self proclaiming Christian would question that
2. i could not think of a better answer
3. i felt like at the time that since it was what i wanted and God loved me it was probably what He wanted to because i may not have had another "good" option

you may or may not have been following my journey the past few months in finding, contacting, trying out for, practicing, trying out for again, and then making the golf team at columbus state university

it was all very quick the way it happened and i admit i gave God very little option in the matter because at the time i was so consumed with wanting something to look forward to and find identity and security in that i felt like if God got involved He'd mess the whole thing up

this is very much a pride issue, an issue that im aware has existed for a while, and am just beginning to walk through God showing me how to make the choice of humility because of showing me how lethal my pride is

the pride of course only is a cover up
it is covering a wealth of insecurity about my worth as a human being
i think that internally, there was a large part of me that felt like a failure

i mean i look around and see my friends graduating, even the ones that i am older than, and i know that i still have a couple of years to go in that department
pretty much sense august i have felt like because i had no degree by my name, no job title of importance paying my bills, no organizations where i was moving into leadership, no ring on my finger, and not a lot of clear direction for the future that that must mean that i am not worth anything...or at least as much as people around me


and the way that i got into that "predicament?"
well it seemed like that was probably God's fault, because besides myself, who else was there to blame, and lets face it...blaming yourself involves changing yourself but when you blame someone else, the Creator included, you get to point fingers and take no responsibility because there is nothing you can do to change another being

so when the door opened for the 2nd time (the first being when i graduated high school in 2005) to attach the prestigious title of collegiate golfer to my name i jumped at the opportunity because after all why would God give me a chance to go do something that i had regretted not doing before if it wasnt clearly the best thing for me...so obviously since i had it all figured out and didnt need Him meddling in my life anymore...the default "this is what God wants" flag was flying high over fort kate

i was fooling everyone...even myself

the only thing i had to sacrifice was growth i could experience in the only real thing that has ever mattered...really mattered...to me....my faith


and it worked, everyone was so happy for me, i mean its a pretty great story if you think about it

because we all love stories where someone can overcome adversity and come back to follow a dream, especially if that dream is in the form of a second chance...i mean it could be a movie, and it would be a darn good one


people were impressed with me, and on the outside, that was making me thrive because i was feeding my pride tank and again, the only price? the only Consistent thing in my life

but inside, in my soul, i knew something was wrong...no not something...i knew exactly what it was


and i was aware that it was taking a toll on my heart, but my head kept saying it wasn't that big of a deal and that as soon as camp got here i would just go and get close to God again


but when CORE training got here, i forgot to put my heart in my pocket instead of on my sleeve, which seems to happen in an environment where a "safe to risk" strategy is neccessary and encouraged, but i thought i was such a good faker that 2 of the people i respect/look up to/admire most wouldnt see...but they did...and they love me...and so they called me out

i sat in the office with them for almost an hour and was stunned/hurt/lost while we talked about what was going on
i dont remember most of the exact subjects but i know that out of absolutely pure compassion, love, and concern they brought to my attention that pretty much, i was being everything i've hated in the leaders i've encountered over the years


that wasn't even the moment that the turn around was complete, that of course was just a baby step

fast forward to 5 days ago
i had had the heart knowledge that the decision to go play in the fall was wrong but it had been arguing with the head knowledge that it would be fine and it would all work out because i love golf and that was that for 4 months...and up until this moment, the head knowledge had won hands down

it was only after a conversation with a very dear friend last wednesday that i said out loud what my heart had known all along, and that was that i knew where God wanted me, and it wasn't columbus state university but i was scared because i didnt want to now let people down who had supported me along the way

i knew in that moment when i looked in sarah's eyes that the sickness that had been plaguing me for 4 months would only be cured by being true to what i knew God was leading me towards, and that was to leave camp in august and move back to charleston to finish school and work at cfa

when i told my parents and then managers the next day, i could not have asked for better responses
in fact i couldnt have planned a better last 3 days at cfa (with the exception of the guy having a seizure at lunch saturday and mom saving him and the ambulance coming but thats beside the point) and i am not only FOR REAL sure that this really is what God wants...because i think when youre in His will, you dont "think" or "feel like" you are...you know it...and i know it because of the peace i have about it, a peace that i know could only be from Him, im also VERY excited for the opportunities that it looks like will be opening up for me with cfa when i get back

i would be lying if i said i was not at all concerned anymore with what people will think of this choice, but i'm ok with that because i have realized that my worth is not in who i know but in the greatness and sovereignty of Who knows me...and thats fantastic, because He knows me a lot better than I do....thank God