another bite of elephant...

im really tired right now so we'll see what kind of sense this will make today..but heres to hoping...




ive been really blessed the last couple of years to cross paths with some people that not only became friends but became people with whom i have shared a deep connection..


a connection that seems to spur long raw deep Christ centered conversations whenever we are in contact...conversations about what God is doing and teaching us and challenging us with...conversations that reveal lessons you are learning that you may not have even realized until vocalizing them in that exact moment...


for these connections and relationships i am so truly thankful...


miranda is one of those friends...and when we came together on friday our experience was quite the normal one for us (normal being that we always end up having one of the above mentioned conversations and friday was no exception)


i was talking to her about this blog actually and how it has begun to take me on this ride that ive never been on and its driving me crazy not to know whats next but how it seems like through this, somehow....in some way...somewhere...at some point...God is using/will use this for something different or more or bigger or....somehow...


ive just had all these people come out of the woodwork, some that i have never met...some that its been a really long time...and tell me that they read this and it impacts them...


ive had all of these lessons that ive learned and things that God has and continues to reveal to me planted so deep in my soul that they feel like theyve been there forever and, while i would be lying if i said i hadnt toyed with the idea of writing a book about all of the crazy insane things that have happened to me in the past, to actually publish your thoughts from this moment, this day, this time...and have other people...any people...read them at all but certainly read them and be affected by them...is insane...at least if they are my words they are...sure rob bell...francis chan...louie giglio...donald miller...definitely their words are put down and read and have impact...but me? my stuff? are you crazy?! i really still dont know what to say about it all...


i was also talking to her about how i pray that God keeps this at its roots for the most part...i dont want to do what my pride fights to do which is to get so caught up in looking for some deep meaning to something that happens that i forget to just sit back and see it...i dont know if that makes sense, but it does to me...so...


i love that people are encouraged/challenged by this...but i dont want to be so consumed with how its affecting (i never know which effect/affect to use...shouldve paid more attention in english) other people that i leave the reason i actually started this whole thing...like the real reason...the big thing...


i just wanted to put down what i was/have been learning in a place i wouldnt lose it and i could have quick access too...


and i know that i get off on side trails and i include things that arent relevant always and most of the time these things get really long...


but its all me...its the most real thing i have...its raw...and it looks alot like my day to day life...


alot of side steps and errors and doing things the hard way and rambling but really hoping that at the end of the day it ends up showing Christ...


so i shared all that with her...




and then a thought occured


have you ever prayed for something for a long time and gotten no answer?




i dont mean God said no...i mean...He just didnt say anything at all...


i have


and its frustrating because you pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and nothing...the Bible says if you ask it will be given to you...if you continue to go after Him He will answer you...but with me...sometimes that doesnt happen


i end up looking up at God going come on...ive been talking to you about this for a LONG time...and its something that is going to give You glory...and You arent doing ANYTHING about it...why are you being so quiet?!?!?! throw me a bone here...gosh...






since last septemberish ive been praying that i would be humbled with love...i want to be humble...but in america its hard to see the fine line between being humble and downing yourself...youre supposed to be humble and not be proud but youre also supposed to love what God made you to be in the way that He loves it...


so my prayer constantly has been God i want to feel the love and encouragement You have for me and i want to see me how You see me...but i want to be humble about the whole thing...


and for a year now...ive gotten nothing...


im not sure what i was expecting...maybe i would just wake up one day and go hmm...i feel really humble today...and i think its going to last for a while...well, looks like God answered the prayer..


but whatever i was expecting/searching for...i never found


until friday, in the barnes and noble parking lot, in the front seat of mirandas car...(because where else would God show up)

i realized that He is answering that prayer RIGHT NOW...these circumstances are humbling me constantly...no job...depending on my parents...completely out of my comfort zone...taking classes at a community school...doing and being around all this stuff i never wouldve chosen for myself....


but then there is this encouragement that i get from hearing and reading what people are learning and seeing from how God is working in my life...


i guess God couldnt use the exact same thing to humble AND encourage me because im way to stubborn to accept it like that...i wouldve raised way too many questions and had way too much doubt...


so He is using things that are happening at the same time but dont directly affect the other...again, not sure if that makes sense..but...hopefully you get it kind of


i have been so busy getting caught up in the details of what was arguably me just waiting for God to not come through...i just expected that since the prayer was complicated...He wasnt going to do it...so i just kept looking for Him to continue not doing what i always felt like He wouldnt...He has never disappointed me...and He has never forsaken me...and He has always kept His word...but because of me or my past or any number of other things...i just decided to believe He would start doing that now...without giving one ounce of breathing room for Him to come through and show that to me....




i missed the fact that the whole time ive been trying to pick a fight with Him about not living up to His end of the bargain (because i TOTALLY have that right) that i missed the fact that He was answering it from the start...it just took a little longer to set up than i was anticipating...




i guess maybe next time i should work on living up to my end...and let Him do His thing...




itll probably work out better that way, since it now seems like He might know what He's doing...