its been a while...

i love my daddy so much

i wont go into all the reasons why bc i know that he reads this and since im going home next weekend he will think im trying to earn some points...which im not...so ill just save most of the reasons for another post

i will say though that one of the reasons is because he never fails to put things in perspective...he always has some wise advice to give (yea daddy, i know youre rolling your eyes right now) and even when i dont agree with him he at least leaves me with something to think about

one of the greatest things he has given me in the perspective category is teaching me to think things through the way that i see them going in my mind...i dont always succeed at this but i try really hard...and im getting better at it

this advice was helpful just moments ago

you may...or may not...have noticed my blogging absence the last few days...

but it has happened even if you havent noticed

the reason is this:
in the last week...i believe my mental state has felt almost every negative emotion a human can feel...im not completely sure of the reasoning for this but i have my guesses

ive been lonely, angry, bitter, sad, upset, confused, desperate, empty, broken....the list goes on

this is especially scary to me because of the struggle with depression last year...


and no matter what all of my very loving caring well meaning amazing super fabulous supportive friends said...nothing seemed to make it go away

ive been in prayer...

ive gone before God...

ive waited and tried to listen

only to feel like i had no Voice to listen too


this weekend...actually just yesterday...was the climax to this probably

with my friends all spending time with their families and me giving into the confines of my room...i was left to just me and my thoughts

just to catch you up:
person with diagnosed depressive tendancies+emotionally draining week+no one around to balance things out (even if only for a day)+being in the same space for almost 24 hours straight=no good product

i realize that my parents/friends get worried about me when im like this...and it stresses them out to the max (especially mom and pops) when they arent around to do anything about it...but know this: this is a battle that im not fighting alone...its not even a battle because its already been won...its a struggle that, while maybe not fair at points, is something im willing to fight...because i know that somewhere out there...somewhere at the end of this storm....is a rainbow...as corny/cliche as it may be to say that...

God isnt done with me yet...and apparently this storm...while alot calmer than last feb...is not over either

ok so back to the dad advice coming in

i reached a point last night/earlier this morning where i, if just for a moment, thought about walking away...

from God....

i thought about just seeing what it was like to put my Bible in my closet and not pay attention to its presence for a while...

maybe deleting about 80% of my music library and its worship/christian feel

maybe giving away...or throwing away...100% of the books i own

you know...just to see if life would be any different...if i couldnt do just as ok by myself...

i wasnt planning on walking away for good....maybe

but just taking a test drive sort of...

i never exactly made a cemented decision though...
it was just a thought


ok so fast forward to about 9:30 am this morning...


i got ZERO sleep last night but was really awake about 7:30 so i decided to grab my marketing book and my notes and head to starbucks because even i knew at this point that i needed to get out of the apartment and studying here never works very well anyway

i got a really delicious coffee and started what turned into about an hour and a halfish of studying until a bus of families came in and lets face it...even with my adderall...i can only handle so much

so i decided to make my exit and just stop fighting the distraction...so back to my apartment i headed

as i got into my car...there it was

my dads voice

and "the look"

its a look that im not sure if he gives anyone else...but i know it well

the "what im about to say is going to seem very basic and shallow and i will say it with you not expecting much more than a face level question but i have a point and in a second when you realize the point you will be so floored that you can do nothing but allow the point to wander about in your thoughts until the moment when its stayed there long enough for you to realize im right and you arent"

the question i could hear so clearly it was as if he was right beside me was "ok kate (with his lips kind of stuck together and pulled in and his forehead wrinkled and eyebrows raised) go ahead and walk away from this whole faith thing...what exactly would your life look like then?"
BAM

speechless

it wouldnt look like anything...
it wouldnt be anything
i wouldnt know what to do
i would have to just stay in bed because i dont know what the first thing i would start doing everyday would be
i would be confused
i wouldnt even begin to know how to start living
my world would be completely out of whack
i wouldnt be able to function
i wount want to function


i absolutely believe that God uses glimpses of growth to not just draw me near...but keep me there


and in that moment...i saw a glimpse

God just kind of winking at me...

nudging me with His Love


last year when i read francis chan's book crazy love one of the questions that he posed fairly early on really impacted me...it affected me deeply...it messed with my heart...it explored my soul

the question:
what would your life look like if Jesus Christ didnt exist?...and therefore if you didnt have your faith...


for the few months following that i was hurt...hurt because i realized that besides my sundays freeing up and listening to a little bit of different music and going to a different section in the bookstore and me not being able to have the same summer job (christian camp minus the christian stuff=no reason for camp to exist...BUMMER) i didnt feel very much like my life would be alot different

maybe that makes you kind of flinch for me
or think less of me
maybe that resinates with you
maybe you arent sure what to think about it
maybe it bothers you because the same thing is true in your life
maybe you cant identify with that at all
maybe you have never ever thought about walking away...
maybe you think about doing it every day
maybe thats a little bit too much honesty for you...
....all of those might be true...but my life and my story should point to God and make Him look as Incredible as He is...and if i dont share the really crappy honest stuff about my story and show the really broken side...then His glory gets the short end of this...and i am absolutely not ok with that...and you shouldnt be either


i was ashamed about feeling that way...i mean...i was in leadership at caa...i was a pastors kid...i dont remember ever not being a "christian"...i have christian friends...i try to live my life for God well...and so if something like Him not existing wont change my life...whose life would it change???


i guess sooner or later that question got filed in the "things that bother me if i think about them too much so i wont" file and i just kind of let it go at that


until 9:30(ish) when i heard my dad ask the question...and i realized that now...i feel like my entire life would change...it would change so much i would have no idea how to live...i wouldnt even know how to get up in the morning...i would be devestated without the hope i know constantly...i wouldnt be willing to fight for anything because i would suddenly not know what i was fighting for...i wouldnt be willing to love just about anyone because i would see no point...i wouldnt even know what love was really...i would not only be without answers...i would be without a teacher to ask...i would be empty with no one to fill me up in a way that satisfied...i would see no reason to live...i would have nothing to talk about....i would have no bigger picture....i would have....nothing


and that was my glimpse...in a little over a year...ive gone from feeling like i had a really bad answer to a great thought to feeling like i had THE answer to the question that stemmed from a not so great thought...


Praise God...

thanks dad
Thanks Dad

for now...thats enough...maybe more later


oh except ps.

MY AUNT IS A BEAST...AS WE SPEAK (ER, AS I WRITE) SHE IS COMPLETING THE SUSAN G. KOMEN 3 DAY BREAST CANCER WALK...60 MILES IN 3 DAYS...SHE IS MY HERO

I LOVE YOU AUNT LANEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she also reads my posts everytime i put one up and always texts me or facebooks me and tells me how great it is and how much she loves it...shes my hero even more for that

(ill let you guess which one is related to my dad...:)