oh what a day

today has been insane

my instinct is to give you a brief overview of my schedule and insert commentary where needed...so ill go with that for now and see where we go from here...

6:58 am.-obnoxious alarm

7:02-debating to get up or not is interrupted by the much sweeter way of being welcomed to a new day...the sound of my phone reading off a good morning, good luck text from mags (note:if you are unaware of who she is, a. you are missing out and b. refer to a few posts down)

7:03-the perfect mix of dave barnes, nsync, david crowder, and michael jackson provide the soundtrack to preparing to go back to class for the first time in 19 months 2 weeks and 5 days

7:40-out the door, adderall and all

7:52-shuffle into a pretty packed classroom of computers and see a seat that looks like it has my name all over it, back row...last to the right...my own little bubble

8:34-class ends...made it...50 left to go

8;36-call mom

8:48-call dad

8:54-wal mart for jump drive and backpack

10:01-arrive back at the grove 1112 and begin my quest into online class-dom with the first amazingness being that i have to spend an extra 70 bucks to buy the cd that didnt come with my book bc they gave me the wrong bundle and said not to open it until i was sure it was correct bc they would take it back as a buyback not a return if it was opened...but the great part is that in order to figure out if it was the right item, i HAD to open it...now please, lets discuss this

10:08-talk myself out of bitterness and decide that at least im lucky enough to be able to kind of afford it and go online to pay for it and get direct access

*spends next hour and 15 mins doing online work for said class*
12:15 (but really 12:28)-sarah and maggie outside picking me up to take me to camp westminster...theyve wanted me to go see it for a while and they were going to facilitate activities so i went with them...they were excited, or good fakers-either are possible

2:04-arrive at camp, after being very unaware that by agreeing to ride with s.b. i was given automatic vip entrance into the shes going to kill us 500

*spends next 4ish hours rotating between laughing at awkward middle schoolers, enjoying friends, realizing that if God made a place on earth where all my allergies came together in unison its probably this camp, missing my camp, being hungry, restraining core leader mode*

6:15ish-what happens for the next hour and a half or so is something i will elude to later on but not something i wish to directly speak about at this time...it was one of the few times that i have wished life had an *alternate option* button even if it involved wrestling an aligator with 9 lives, the parties involved know who they are and should be somewhat thankful that they have other qualities which outweigh the events of this evening as far as the future of our friendship goes

8:00-finally leave conyers

9:45-here i am

sooo

i have some qualities that arent always really great, some would call them flaws....i would too

but i also have these qualities that wouldnt directly be in the flaw category simply because of the intention behind them...the heart and intention is directed in the right place, the aim however tends to be off

one of these such qualities is that i care about my friends ALOT

well kate, come on...that isnt a flaw....whats wrong with that?

right...the idea, the feeling, the emotion...all acceptable-even encouraged.

the acts sometimes are misplaced however

one area where this seems to repeat itself is with my friends "special friends" (think the dating kind)

i have this feeling that, especially the close ones, no one is probably ever going to be good enough

i jump to judgement...i speak without thinking (or most of the time without caring to)...im, at points, jerkish...i dont give them much, if any part, of a fair chance...i pretty much make it impossible to win me to their side...some guys in the past this has been good for but i know that probably somewhere in the mix ive been wrong about a few...or one

and i also know that in the end it ends up hurting my friends more than helping because its one important part of their life rejecting another important part...and sooner or later they end up feeling like they have to choose

its hard to apologize for this because i dont want to apologize for the motives....but i do know that if the motive, however pure it begins, leads to hurtful action, it isnt good at all. so probably i should just apologize for the whole caboodle...yea i should

but this, like alot of other things in my life, leads me to a whole other thought concept

oh good kate, a point to this...

i do the same thing to God

i have these really great goals, and dreams, and gifts, and ideas, and desires, and wants, and hopes, and talents that i want to serve him with, give him, show him, love him with, share with him

but ive got some mess in there too...

and i dont want him to see the mess...he wouldnt like it...hed hate it...he might even want me to change it...he would be so disappointed, so hurt, so...me...he might not love me anymore...what if he had to decide between having me but also the mess or not having me or the mess...what if i didnt like his choice...what if...

OR WORSE

i decide to start sharing those goals, pursuing those dreams, using those talents, loving those gifts, serving with this heart, giving it all i have...or at least all i think i have...and sharing myself with him...but before long this awful pride stuff kicks in...it starts being for him, but not involving him...about him but not including him...around him but not to him...showing him off, but showing me way more and all of a sudden a really pure motive turns into a sinful pain filled pride based dirty gross wall...between how much of God i want...and how much i have

so whats the solution kate?

im not completly sure...

but i think it starts with baby steps

saying your sorry...and meaning it

being honest...for real

being vulnerable...despite fear

humbling your heart...its a decision

trusting with Confidence...bigger than pain

and knowing that in the end

...LOVE WINS.